Series of unanswered letters: to whatever situation we might be in the future

An open letter to the man I will end up with

Hello. You probably found this letter after a long time and most likely dated a few years ago by now. And if you are reading this, its possible that I secretly lead you to find this. 

If you are reading this after we had a fight, know that I am not angry at you but at what you did. Your mistakes don’t define you or our relationship. My mistakes don’t mean I am not happy with you. It just means we have to keep on working together as a team. I hope you are still up to team with me. And I am sorry if I hurt you and I forgive you if you hurt me. We might lose track but know that our love is stronger than whatever we are facing as long as we are together.

If you are reading this because you found this by cleaning up your things, congratulations! You have found my 2 am letter since I cannot sleep and I need to write (you know that by now) so I can calm down. Don’t tell me you found this but I want you to write me back a small note (cuz you probably have never written to me) and I will appreciate it. But seriously, just give me a hint that you have found this gem. This letter saying how happy, lucky, and proud I am because I have you. And I love you no matter what happens. You are still the one for me even if the whole world says otherwise. And thank you for cleaning your stuff and checking what’s trash and what’s not because that’s what real men do. They keep the best with them. Hahaha! 

If you are reading this because I handed it to you, I think we have something serious to talk about. I don’t know what it is (yet) but I don’t want this to end. Whatever we’ll discuss when you bring this up later (which you will do because I’m such a pussy when it comes to a confrontation), remember that I love you and we can get through this. 

If you are reading this, you are the guy I ended up with. The guy I prayed for and promised to love forever unconditionally. You are the guy I will surrender my love and my life to because I trust that you will keep it safe and happy. I ended up with you because we share a love so strong that nothing not even the universe can seperate us. Thank you for being the guy I ended up with. It might not be easy and perfect but at least it is real.

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Sticky notes

How do we prove someone we love them? How can we ensure that the love is reciprocated?
Love is only love when it is acknowledged as such. 
No matter how much you give when the receiving end has closed doors it isn’t love. 
We often put people we lovein pedestals in high hopes that they will love us back the same way we regard them. More often, this does not happen. People we placed higher than us tend to look down on us making us their puppets. This isn’t love.
How do we balance this out? How do we love a person? We love them by loving ourselves first and nobody ever does that except for egotistical assholes who love themselves too much and forget about their partners. This isn’t love. 
Love is supposed to make you work hard to be a better person for yourself not for your partner. Love is supposed to make you happy not make you responsible for your partner’s happiness. 

Series of Unanswered Letters: Of lights and tunnels

yes, I send him emails long text messages mix from clickbait articles from TC and a little from my black notebook. He never answers. I don’t think he ever bothers to read. But I send him these things because its important for me to get this out.

—-

Dear Schatz,

It is you who I always want to be with. You still hold the top spot as my favorite person. You will always be one of the main characters on my book. You are the leading man of my movie. I always find your company amazing. You make me happy in ways that no one else does.

You are my home.

It is your hands that I always want to hold. I love how the gaps between my fingers perfectly fit yours. You make things better, without even knowing it.

It is you who make me look forward in every single day. When I wake up in the morning, you are the first person who crosses my mind. At night, you are always my last thought. You belong in my dreams, you are on the blueprint.

It is your lips that I always want to kiss. It is your touch that I always want to feel. Yes, you make me feel beautiful. The way you caress me is undeniably perfect. You turn my darkest days into the brightest ones. You bring thrills on my boring routines. You are always ready to swim onto my deep waters – to comprehend my thoughts, to understand me.

You are the adventure that I always want to take. You are the photograph that I always want to capture. Your goofy moves or cranky jokes make my day. You are giving your best shot for us, for our relationship.

It is you who quiets my panic attacks. You calm the storms inside me.

It is you who I want to share the rest of my life with.

 I always knew that our souls met for a reason. We always come back to each other’s arms. You are, and will always be, my forever person.

Our destiny maybe a little fucked up but we still make ways to end up together.

 You made me appreciate life more. You are the future I am longing to see. I can’t wait to open my eyes while I’m lying next to you. No matter how twisted our ropes will be, it is you who I want to get tangled with. I believe in the power of us. I believe in the strength within love.

This is my way of saying how grateful I am to have you.

You are more than your shortcomings.

You are my person and you will always be the one.

 The roads get bumpy and rocky but I know that you will be by my side until the end. Struggles will come, problems will be faced. And yet, it is you who will always have my heart.

—–

I just want you to know that where ever this road leads us, I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to call you mine. Don’t let me hold you down. Never let me stop you from anything you think is best for yourself.

But I want you to know I have you as a part in every single plan I have in my life here on til the end. It is up to you to decide if you want to still be a part of it.

I love you.

I can never say it enough. I will say it everyday even if you don’t want to hear it. I love you and I hope our love will let us grow into the person that we are supposed to be.

I am forever thankful for the universe for bringing you in my life.

Loving you until the end,

Schatzchen❤

Yes, dear. 

I cannot love you in to loving me back.

I cannot teach you life if you haven’t lived it yet.

I cannot force myself to stop loving you in ways I never have thought I can

I cannot show you enough how wonderful of person you are despite the fact that you are bad for me

I cannot simply say the things you mean to me in a three page text message and I do not care if its pathetic

I cannot lie to you

I cannot lie to myself that I’m in deep shit because I fell in love you

I cannot imagine life without you

I cannot promise you that I am not expecting anything

I cannot assure you that one day I will love you less even if you give me no reason to love you

But I can love you the way I want to. Even if you don’t want me to 

Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?

A few days just before you left, I asked you “Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?” and what’s funny is that we both had no idea you’d be leaving so soon. 

I had been thinking about going on a break a few months back but I was so addicted to your fix I couldn’t get myself over it. I was desperately needing attention and validation that I had to lower my expectations and standards to a point that I don’t even know why I’m accepting shit like that. So, when I finally had the guts to tell and ask you this, you looked shocked, baffled with disbelief that me, the woman so blindly in love with you is really thinking of disappearing in your life. 

I was even more surprised on how you reacted after seeing the disbelief on your face. You looked so afraid. Maybe because you needed me for validation and self gratification, too. I don’t know really. As usual, you didn’t say more than “don’t say that” hugged me and hid your face. I don’t know what that extra long hug means but it was kind of satisfying to feel like you didn’t want to lose me. But that’s just me. 

After a few days of sporadic texts, we got the awful news. You’ll be leaving so soon that we both didn’t expect this to happen within such a short notice. It’s like one problem after the other. Just when things are starting to settle and be serious. I think it’s not just destiny for us to be together. But again, you stopped me with “don’t say that”.

I’m grateful for the universe for giving us this brief moment of eupohoria and confusion. All the things in between the months that we were able to share but mostly meeting you and completely turning my life upside down and inside out. I’m thankful for you being able to help me get out and discover that I am capable of loving unconditionally just when I thought that love is just a habit we get comfortable with. 

I never told you that I hate you. Because I do and I hate you so much. I hate you because you make me hate myself for loving you.

I hate that you don’t show how much you value me but I hate myself even more because maybe you don’t really do.

I hate you because you don’t let me in to your life but I hate myself more for trying and making myself too vulnerable for you.

I hate you for leaving me like this, when I wanted to stop because I know you won’t be coming back but you keep on stringing me along. I hated you more when you answered YES when I asked should I wait for you and cried along with me. I don’t get you. I hate you for making me confused. For telling me you love me and then disappearing and not putting effort. 

I should stop hating you and myself. You’re gone and maybe you’ll keep your word and come back. Maybe you won’t like the lying prick you are. I should start focusing on myself more and stop waiting. 

I have been waiting all these years for some shit that didn’t take into fruition because of my impatience. Maybe. I fucked up almost a decade of my existence and because of you I fvked it up more. More sass in fvkng up one more wrong decision after the other.

I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made but sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up waiting for you that one time when I felt really sleepy. Maybe none of these would’ve happened. Maybe I could’ve saved all of us from heartache. Maybe its just us not you. You never complain anyway. 

Before I forget, in between all this hate and what ifs, I miss you. I miss us. I miss what could be us. 

It’s stupid but there’s this voice inside me desperately wanting you to come back. Come back to me. I miss you and I love you despite the distance life has brought us and the distance I’m trying to create even more so between us.

A Letter of Apology to the Guy who taught me how to love

Dear 

I don’t know how to begin this. Maybe I am guilty and felt like I needed to say sorry for what I did to you. Sorry and apologies will never be enough to heal you. I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you go and making another mistake by letting someone in without second thought. 

I should not be telling you about this but i want to thank you for teaching me how to love. 
I cannot continue writing this shit. 

To the boy wearing glasses

If you ask me how I fell in love with you 

I will not be able to put it in words

If you ask me when is the exact moment I knew it was you

It was when I saw the chaos

It was when I looked at you and I saw that I was about to lose you

It was when I could not see myself living without you

It was when I was holding you but you were slowly slipping away
I know it does not make sense

Completely illogical, crazy and stupid. 

But I found happiness in between all the silence and stories that we shared in that brief period that we spent together 
I came in your life like a storm and I hope you did not drown in me

I wanted to be everything you could ever hope and wish for

I know I will never be perfect but I’m trying to give you all the love I can give

I am giving you the love that I didn’t even know I had in me
Sometimes you tell me that I don’t deserve you 

Is it because it’s your subtle way of saying that you are not in this for the long run? 

Is it because you think that I am never going to be the person you see yourself with? 

Is it all of the million things going inside my head that I am too afraid to tell you? 
Everyday I wake up to looking forward to see you and love you even more than I did than the last time we said good night

Everyday I try to be closer in getting in your walls

Everyday I try to create a memory for us to share when we could no longer take long walks and stay up all night 
I am grateful for the universe to let our paths cross. 

I will always keep you in my heart. You saved me in an unexpected way. 

Just before 6 am

When you feel the need to write but the words simply won’t come out– helpless. But you still write hoping that the right words will roll out and spill without stumbling over each other. 

Why do I feel I need to write at 5 in the morning? My chest is pounding so fast I can barely breathe. I feel a tidal wave of emotions but nothing is coming out. Watching sad love stories with happy endings and heart warming videos are the only ways to make me cry. I’ve been building up a dam for my tears and frustrations. I think it’s time to let it all go. 

I tell myself all these– Why do you keep on pushing yourself to people who don’t really care if you starve to death because you don’t feel like you’re good enough? How do you come up with endless topics for someone who is clearly dozing off when you are busy yapping stories about your life that he doesn’t give a shit about? When do you stop trying so hard to make it work? When will you realize that all of your efforts are going to waste? The confusion, the uncertanties and mediocrity that you decided to put yourself into. I think it’s time to walk away and this time keep your word. 

I want to know how to unlove a person you barely know. I want to know how to take back all the words and dreams I shared with him. I want to know how do I keep myself from loving this person too much. I want to know if what he is saying is not just empty words to keep me as his past time and plaything that he pulls out whenever he feels the need to jerk off. I want to know how to understand how this whole thing works. I want to know if there’s someone else giving him what he wants while I’m asleep having dreams about him chasing other women. I think it’s time I tell myself the answers to questions I already know the answer to and this time don’t turn the blind eye. 

I told myself a thousand times. He told me a million times – stop. And each time it happens it only draws me closer to him. He isn’t ready for a relationship, at least with you. He isn’t ready to give you the commitment that you deserve. He can promise you things, wonderful things that will make you believe in yourself again but he won’t be around to make it happen. He will be there when he needs to be entertained but he won’t be there to wipe your anxieties away. He will tell you a lot of things but he will not find the words to console your sadness. He can make you feel loved but he cannot love you the way you are loving him. I think it’s time to accept that he is just a boy but love him anyway because you have all the love to give despite all this chaos. 

Write everything down until your hands hurt, until you can’t feel anything more. Write all these down and hope that he stumbles upon it and realize how good he is at doing his game. Write until there is clarity in what you are feeling. Write until the morning sun comes up and you can forget all about it and continue being in love with the person who does not want the love you are giving. 

Really trying 

I miss the smell of your skin

After sunset walks on hot summers

Holding your hand in February

Watching the waves crash
I miss the smell your your hair

Your lips on mine

Your gaze so empty and far

Can you possibly be thinking of me? 
You have changed

the dust never settles from where we stand

Like dancing without gravity 

Like water from the rivers
You have changed

Far from me

Not with me

Never mine

Reminders

Its ok Schatz what I said about you going back to her. I don’t really expect you to do everything you told me but will be glad if u did. 

I’m already old enough to know if I’m being lied to or not that’s why I don’t make drama and just ask you about it. You should not forget that I’ve been almost in all kinds of relationships before you even get to have your first girlfriend,  maybe. 

I know that we have a different interpretation on how relationships work and our culture is totally different. I’m ok with that. But sometimes it hurts me knowing that I’m just here to help you and teach you. You might not be in the long run with me and you’re just saying things that I want to hear. I love you and I appreciate that. I’m here as long as you need me. But when I feel like you are ready, I’m willing to let you go to find someone you feel like you truly deserve.