Series of Unanswered Letters: It’s the way you look at me that takes my doubts away

You have never been good with words. You would sit not look at me but patiently listen to a million stories that I keep on telling you over and over. It would seem like you are uninterested but you know all the details. Though sometimes I think you just sit there and watch me talk but not a single word registers in. I guess we all have days like that- you’re there but not really there.

You were always good at telling the things I want to hear. Men are gifted with this. It’s not lying, just leaving out details that would put them on thin ice. And after almost three decades, I appreciate the beauty of it. I wish women didn’t have the gift of smelling bullshit from 4000 miles away and female instincts or more commonly known to men as “jumping into conclusions” or “accusing us of something we didn’t do (ok, not all of it but to some extent we did)” was a little more subtle. I wish we had that “thinking literally about nothing” part of our brains.

You were not always public about our relationship. I ask you why and it’s always about keeping it private. But God knows what you tell to your guys. I’m okay with that and I think I deserve whatever you tell them. I mean, bad publicity is still publicity.

But after all the second-guessing, red flags, white lies and photos not uploaded, you still want to see my happiness above yours. You stayed despite drowning in a mix of quicksand and saltwater. If I’m not the pessimist that I am, I would say it’s impressive and outstanding effort.

It has been a hobby to re-read text messages and look at a hundred unposted photos in my phone. A few months back I was the one chasing, wanting you to look at me the same way I am looking at you. Now it’s easy to spot who has heart emojis in the eye. I don’t know how the tables got turned but I am surprised by the number of unspoken proofs I have.

Maybe I just want you to be more open, vocal, tell-to-the-world-I-am-inlove type of guy but you’re simply not like that. I can tell you have fallen deeply by the way you look at me and how you hold my back. I guess our ways of loving someone matures and comes with age. I can’t blame you though, you have so much years ahead of you.

Don’t get me wrong or say I am being double standard. I’m caught between choosing to wait for someone to be on the same maturity level and being a woman whose baby-making potential is dropping every second as I write about the guy paving his way into discovering how a relationship mature relationship works.

I can wait but I can also choose to go. I can go but I don’t want to lose something real. I learned that it’s not the opportunities you lose but choices you did not make that actually kills you late at night. And with that I am going to sleep this off and see another proof of this love and second-guess everything since apparently that’s the only thing I am good at.


Series of Unanswered Letters: We were Wandering

One of the biggest hurdles in dating is tearing down walls. Some people build walls so up high that even the strongest ones have given up to climb.

Not you.

You were the kind who let’s me wander around your backyard lifting stones for clues how to know you more. There were no clues, nothing. It was a witch hunt even finding this wall you built. It was like from a Neil Gaiman movie that if I cross the wall I know I will lose my power.

I was lingering in your backyard until I found this thick brick walls you built. Slowly you laid them down and let me in. I found a huge playground behind that invisible wall and I never want to go out.

Come to think of it, it’s like wall after wall after wall with you. But I’m not the kind of person to give up until I get what I want. You said you liked that about me. I guess, we both liked the challenge. We loved the chase in this thing going on. It’s interesting to say the least. Everything new is interesting.

You were right on so many things that I didn’t think about when this started. You were wiser than how you appear to be on certain things I tend to overlook. Sometimes I think you are just showing me the surface of what you think I want to see but you are wrong.

I want to see the creases of your life. I want to discover every bit of space where a strand of hair can fit so I can fill them with my memories, with our memories. I want to know every color in your spectrum and see the kaleidoscope of emotions behind that thin crooked smile.

I am wandering. Swimming in your presence waiting to find something you did not know was there.

You are wandering waiting for me to find you. Stay where you are Schatz. Love will find you. I will find you.

I found pieces of you bit by bit like I have given you each piece of me. We will fit all the pieces together to make it one. I promise you this picture will have more colors than an exploding star.

Even the most mundane of days will be bright just being with you and I will reflect the happiness you give me just as much. It’s not about how long we have been together, it’s about how long we are planning to stay together.

You Smell Like The Rain On A Summer Morning

I never liked the rain. It’s sad, cold, wet and there’s nothing much to do. Living from a country where rains mean being stuck in traffic for 5 hours makes you hate it even more. Rain back home means flood, destroyed crops and deaths. It’s not refreshing when I just think about it.
Maybe I didn’t like the rain because I can’t go out and I hate my feet getting wet.

Moving from home to the Gulf, rain now is like a miracle. When I first came in this foreign land, I didn’t understand why people would take videos of the “rain” or should I say, drizzle. It’s nothing compared to what I have come to know as rain back home. People here would walk while it’s slightly pouring. Then I realized it’s the most important season. Finally, we can enjoy cold weather and water. I found myself appreciating the rain more and more.

As much as I hate to admit that I have started to like the rain, I do. You remind me of the rain when I met you.

You were busy living your life and I cooked up a storm for us. You weren’t supposed to come, I didn’t even think you were coming. Like the rain in the dessert. I pray that you will come but the timing was not right. You came when I least expected. Slowly, drizzling, then all at once. I was afraid that we will both drown in this rain that poured on us but as all seasons come and go, you as well passed.

For months, I waited for your rain to come back. It was the hottest summer I have ever had in my entire life. I couldn’t sleep and I can feel it burning my skin. I worked hard to make your rain come back. I waited patiently with high hopes of smelling wet grass and getting my feet wet again.

Then I felt the cold breeze against the back of my neck. You are coming. I felt the joy of the hot desert sand when the rain finally kissed the ground.

I hope you never stop raining on me. You keep me alive, hoping to grow in beauty and with better things ahead. And I thank God for the rain you have showered on me. When the summer comes and your clouds disappear, remember I have learned to love the rain and again if I must wait, I will.

On Nights Like This, I Think of You

When I finish a 14-hour workday and you were waiting for me til past your bed time just to spend an hour with me over dinner.

When it’s cold and we are both freezing but neither of us wants to go home cuz the warmth of each other’s presence is enough.

Or when it’s too hot outside so we stay too long inside a coffee shop til its cool enough to walk almost half an hour. Because walking with you while holding your hand is more worth it than taking a cab.

When I am alone and I can only hear the tick tock and cars outside. I can feel things and wonder if you are feeling them too.

When I see something funny and think about tagging you but you never response. It stings a bit.

When I am tired and you hold my back and ask “How are you?”, I wanted to say kill me but then I see how happy you are that you finally saw me, the exhaustion disappears.

When I lay in bed thinking about going on vacations, living somewhere where I don’t have to punch in and out, I see you next to me.

When my eyes are about to close, I see your face. I feel grateful for everything- for being alive, for being able to wake up in the morning to see you at the end of the day. For being able to sleep knowing in the morning I will still have you.

A little goes a long way

I never liked flowers as gifts. I always thought it’s for old and sick people. It reminded me of hospitals and hospice.

I never asked for it from anyone that’s why maybe I didn’t get it.
He kept on asking me if I wanted one and he would always get a blunt no.

We were out yesterday for dinner and I was excited about today so I asked him what’s the plan for Valentine’s.

“Schatz, we don’t celebrate it.”
These four words again. So I immediately erased any thoughts for dinner or even something different to happen today. I even planned on working late. I didn’t even text him.

So as usual after work we met. But today he was all dressed up with a single rose. “Happy Valentine’s Schatz.” the cutest ever face of him to date.

I know he doesn’t celebrate many things as me but each one of them he celebrated with me or something like that. I know from here on Christmases and birthdays will never be the same but I appreciate the effort he is giving and the support he showed because these celebrations are important for me.

Anyway, since I erased the thought of Valentine’s today I didn’t wear nice clothes and no plans at all. It’s everyday like Valentine’s for us. Nothing special just being together is enough. No fancy gifts or candle lit dinners. Just a hand to hold and a future to build and look forward to.

Again I am surprised by how much effort he puts into this. I am eternally grateful to have him and not only because he loves me but he makes me better as a person.

Series of unaswered letters: because there is so much more than kissing you

The thing is I don’t trust myself.
I love you so I will choose to dive head first.
This time, I will let the universe unfold my story.
I will let things flow as they should.

The thing is I am afraid – and it’s a good thing. I am afraid to lose you validating how much I love you.
So I will love you like I will lose you.
So I will love you like it will be the last time I will hold you.
So I will love you like I have never loved before, not because you earned it but because I love you just as is.

The thing is I look too far in the future – and it makes me anxious yet hopeful.
So I will make new experiences with you and get out of my comfort zone.
So I will watch our relationship progress through pain and joy.
So I will write down our stories of sorrows and secrets and lazy afternoons and read back when we are too old to go for long walks. We will have always something to talk about when we grow gray.

The thing is I hate quitting and losing which will make it difficult to let you go.
So I will give you no reason to.
So I will make everything work and worth while.
So I will love you like I have everything to lose.

Series of unanswered letters: I wanted to talk until you fall asleep with the sound of my voice

There is so much I want to tell you but I know you’ll get bored in the middle of it. So I try not to say it. So I try to cut things short.

You’ll leave me anyway and you know you will.
It’s in God’s plan for us. To meet in a very unusual time in our lives. To learn from each other and discover parts of ourselves we never thought we had. We enjoyed the time we had together and struggled the time we were apart. We almost gave up but we endured and tried to keep things going while we still can. You’ll be living your life the way you want it and I will let you grow into the person you need to be. I will watch you take a step further away from me towards your happiness because it is more important than my own. I will be forever grateful that you came to my life and cherish all the memories we had specially during the time when you held me in your arms and called you mine.

You’ll find someone better. This is me showing you the best way I know how to love. Unconditionally. Vulnerable. Honest and sincere. All the things I picked up from the good and bad relationships I had. All the regrets and missed opportunities and words unsaid. I give them to you, whole-heartedly. All the wonderful things that made us laugh. All the bad things that made us stronger. All these experiences you had with me is just practice to meeting the one who will share the same dreams as yours that we once shared. You’ll look in to the future with a clearer idea about life and love and commitment and I am proud that I have shared them with you and I know you’ll be someone else’s happiness.

You’ll love harder. You will find this person who fits you perfectly and find me somewhere there but you won’t because she is perfect and she is not me. You’ll love her more than you loved me to keep her happier. Longer. You’ll make her smile brighter and make her heart flutter more than you made my heart skip a beat. You’ll find her more interesting because she is a new discovery than an old timer who couldn’t keep up. You’ll definitely be happier in loving her in all the right places I showed you. Because you’ll know how to make a woman happy and she will thank you for it.

You’ll make more plans and think about the future- without me in it. This future will be the ones I made with you on the center of it. Because you know it is what’s best for you and you know that I am right the time I said you should start thinking about your career and start taking better care of yourself. You’ll start to build a life you want. A house you want. A family you want. A relationship you will never let go, leave, and put aside. You’ll be good father and an even better husband because I know you have a good heart when I met you and you’ve become an even better person while I was in it.

You’ll start looking for traces of me in every person you’ll meet and each one of them will have a piece of me but not quite me. You’ll miss me when you see sunsets and take long walks during spring time. You’ll remember me when you see squirrels running and jumping about. You’ll think of me when you see a house in the woods or somewhere near the lake. You’ll check on your phone to see my name but it won’t be there anymore. You’ll think about me when you see books and maybe start reading too because you know that I love it. You’ll think of me when you hear this song I made you listen to but wasn’t interested in. You’ll remember me when you get sick and when you get cold because my hands are always warm enough for you. You’ll think of me when something annoys you at work because I was always there to listen about how much you hate your supervisor and this customers. You’ll remember how proud I am when you get salary increase or promotion. You’ll remember me when you see someone happy helping others because you know how I used to rant about family problems but still put them in my priority list. You’ll smile a bit when you hear someone say “hay nako” and remember my annoyed face. But it won’t take long to forget me because you will find this person who will fill the blurry parts I left behind.

You’ll be happier and be more complete without me. You won’t have to pretend to like something you don’t and you won’t have to get out of bed and text nonsense. You’ll have more time to do the things you want. And you’ll be content without someone asking you if you had your break and no one will check if you took bath and used soap. Because you know you did and you will never not use soap again. You’ll be the person I wanted you to be when I am gone and I am happy knowing that you will be a blessing to the next person you choose to love.

This is me loving you when I am gone. This is me wishing that when you leave me You’ll take important parts of me and bring them with you wherever and whoever you are with. This is me still hoping I will meet you again in a time when God wants us to be together as complete individuals complementing each other but this time not as a lesson but as a strory that ends up sharing a bed, a family, and a name.