Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?

A few days just before you left, I asked you “Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?” and what’s funny is that we both had no idea you’d be leaving so soon. 

I had been thinking about going on a break a few months back but I was so addicted to your fix I couldn’t get myself over it. I was desperately needing attention and validation that I had to lower my expectations and standards to a point that I don’t even know why I’m accepting shit like that. So, when I finally had the guts to tell and ask you this, you looked shocked, baffled with disbelief that me, the woman so blindly in love with you is really thinking of disappearing in your life. 

I was even more surprised on how you reacted after seeing the disbelief on your face. You looked so afraid. Maybe because you needed me for validation and self gratification, too. I don’t know really. As usual, you didn’t say more than “don’t say that” hugged me and hid your face. I don’t know what that extra long hug means but it was kind of satisfying to feel like you didn’t want to lose me. But that’s just me. 

After a few days of sporadic texts, we got the awful news. You’ll be leaving so soon that we both didn’t expect this to happen within such a short notice. It’s like one problem after the other. Just when things are starting to settle and be serious. I think it’s not just destiny for us to be together. But again, you stopped me with “don’t say that”.

I’m grateful for the universe for giving us this brief moment of eupohoria and confusion. All the things in between the months that we were able to share but mostly meeting you and completely turning my life upside down and inside out. I’m thankful for you being able to help me get out and discover that I am capable of loving unconditionally just when I thought that love is just a habit we get comfortable with. 

I never told you that I hate you. Because I do and I hate you so much. I hate you because you make me hate myself for loving you.

I hate that you don’t show how much you value me but I hate myself even more because maybe you don’t really do.

I hate you because you don’t let me in to your life but I hate myself more for trying and making myself too vulnerable for you.

I hate you for leaving me like this, when I wanted to stop because I know you won’t be coming back but you keep on stringing me along. I hated you more when you answered YES when I asked should I wait for you and cried along with me. I don’t get you. I hate you for making me confused. For telling me you love me and then disappearing and not putting effort. 

I should stop hating you and myself. You’re gone and maybe you’ll keep your word and come back. Maybe you won’t like the lying prick you are. I should start focusing on myself more and stop waiting. 

I have been waiting all these years for some shit that didn’t take into fruition because of my impatience. Maybe. I fucked up almost a decade of my existence and because of you I fvked it up more. More sass in fvkng up one more wrong decision after the other.

I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made but sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up waiting for you that one time when I felt really sleepy. Maybe none of these would’ve happened. Maybe I could’ve saved all of us from heartache. Maybe its just us not you. You never complain anyway. 

Before I forget, in between all this hate and what ifs, I miss you. I miss us. I miss what could be us. 

It’s stupid but there’s this voice inside me desperately wanting you to come back. Come back to me. I miss you and I love you despite the distance life has brought us and the distance I’m trying to create even more so between us.

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