Series of unaswered letters: because there is so much more than kissing you

The thing is I don’t trust myself.
I love you so I will choose to dive head first.
This time, I will let the universe unfold my story.
I will let things flow as they should.

The thing is I am afraid – and it’s a good thing. I am afraid to lose you validating how much I love you.
So I will love you like I will lose you.
So I will love you like it will be the last time I will hold you.
So I will love you like I have never loved before, not because you earned it but because I love you just as is.

The thing is I look too far in the future – and it makes me anxious yet hopeful.
So I will make new experiences with you and get out of my comfort zone.
So I will watch our relationship progress through pain and joy.
So I will write down our stories of sorrows and secrets and lazy afternoons and read back when we are too old to go for long walks. We will have always something to talk about when we grow gray.

The thing is I hate quitting and losing which will make it difficult to let you go.
So I will give you no reason to.
So I will make everything work and worth while.
So I will love you like I have everything to lose.


Series of unanswered letters: I wanted to talk until you fall asleep with the sound of my voice

There is so much I want to tell you but I know you’ll get bored in the middle of it. So I try not to say it. So I try to cut things short.

You’ll leave me anyway and you know you will.
It’s in God’s plan for us. To meet in a very unusual time in our lives. To learn from each other and discover parts of ourselves we never thought we had. We enjoyed the time we had together and struggled the time we were apart. We almost gave up but we endured and tried to keep things going while we still can. You’ll be living your life the way you want it and I will let you grow into the person you need to be. I will watch you take a step further away from me towards your happiness because it is more important than my own. I will be forever grateful that you came to my life and cherish all the memories we had specially during the time when you held me in your arms and called you mine.

You’ll find someone better. This is me showing you the best way I know how to love. Unconditionally. Vulnerable. Honest and sincere. All the things I picked up from the good and bad relationships I had. All the regrets and missed opportunities and words unsaid. I give them to you, whole-heartedly. All the wonderful things that made us laugh. All the bad things that made us stronger. All these experiences you had with me is just practice to meeting the one who will share the same dreams as yours that we once shared. You’ll look in to the future with a clearer idea about life and love and commitment and I am proud that I have shared them with you and I know you’ll be someone else’s happiness.

You’ll love harder. You will find this person who fits you perfectly and find me somewhere there but you won’t because she is perfect and she is not me. You’ll love her more than you loved me to keep her happier. Longer. You’ll make her smile brighter and make her heart flutter more than you made my heart skip a beat. You’ll find her more interesting because she is a new discovery than an old timer who couldn’t keep up. You’ll definitely be happier in loving her in all the right places I showed you. Because you’ll know how to make a woman happy and she will thank you for it.

You’ll make more plans and think about the future- without me in it. This future will be the ones I made with you on the center of it. Because you know it is what’s best for you and you know that I am right the time I said you should start thinking about your career and start taking better care of yourself. You’ll start to build a life you want. A house you want. A family you want. A relationship you will never let go, leave, and put aside. You’ll be good father and an even better husband because I know you have a good heart when I met you and you’ve become an even better person while I was in it.

You’ll start looking for traces of me in every person you’ll meet and each one of them will have a piece of me but not quite me. You’ll miss me when you see sunsets and take long walks during spring time. You’ll remember me when you see squirrels running and jumping about. You’ll think of me when you see a house in the woods or somewhere near the lake. You’ll check on your phone to see my name but it won’t be there anymore. You’ll think about me when you see books and maybe start reading too because you know that I love it. You’ll think of me when you hear this song I made you listen to but wasn’t interested in. You’ll remember me when you get sick and when you get cold because my hands are always warm enough for you. You’ll think of me when something annoys you at work because I was always there to listen about how much you hate your supervisor and this customers. You’ll remember how proud I am when you get salary increase or promotion. You’ll remember me when you see someone happy helping others because you know how I used to rant about family problems but still put them in my priority list. You’ll smile a bit when you hear someone say “hay nako” and remember my annoyed face. But it won’t take long to forget me because you will find this person who will fill the blurry parts I left behind.

You’ll be happier and be more complete without me. You won’t have to pretend to like something you don’t and you won’t have to get out of bed and text nonsense. You’ll have more time to do the things you want. And you’ll be content without someone asking you if you had your break and no one will check if you took bath and used soap. Because you know you did and you will never not use soap again. You’ll be the person I wanted you to be when I am gone and I am happy knowing that you will be a blessing to the next person you choose to love.

This is me loving you when I am gone. This is me wishing that when you leave me You’ll take important parts of me and bring them with you wherever and whoever you are with. This is me still hoping I will meet you again in a time when God wants us to be together as complete individuals complementing each other but this time not as a lesson but as a strory that ends up sharing a bed, a family, and a name.

moj otrove

Words are poison.

Words are the cure.

Words are empty promises and hopes of joy.

We always tell the people what we want to hear but we never tell them how we really feel. I guess it’s how we cope up with the reality. Masking the truth with little white lies we tell ourselves, which then ends up as our reality.

One of my favorite quotes from C.P. “this only looks like love.” Yes, it looks like it. It feels like it. But how do we know if it really is love? We fall into this idea that when you feel this connection, soul, lust, intellect, humor –it is indeed, love.

Love they say lasts forever. It is eternal. It is unwavering. Love is. We can love a person and never show it, never be with that person, never get to tell them. But we do. We still do. Unreciprocated.

We can be with someone for 5, 10, 15 years and fall out. We can meet someone and decide that you want to make it last more than it should be. Tell me, which one is love?

Is it when you put the other person’s happiness than your own? Is it when you include that person in all of your plans? Is it when you decide that “this is it”? But what if “that person” decided not to be “your person” anymore? You ask yourself, did he/she really loved me?

The problem with us, yes, us females is that society have imposed this biased thing about love and how to love and if we move against it, would definitely raise some brows. And I think it’s double-standard and just messed up. Love is not supposed to hard. It’s the most natural feeling.

But I think you can never fully love someone without falling in love with yourself first. Self-love is more important for me to be honest. It doesn’t mean you care more about yourself but it is having a better understanding abour yourself. Of what you want, need and how you want your life to pan out. It’s not being selfish but it’s giving away only what you think you can give.

At this point in my life, I am still struggling to love myself. I am working on it and I think I can love someone better if I love myself more.

Airports and Terminals

For all the days you will be gone. For all the days kept away from us. We will enjoy in the future with twice the happiness.

We have been through this once and we barely made it. Now its your turn to hold it together and keep it true.
I am holding on to you as long as you won’t let me go. I am holding on to your promise that we will make all this possible. Even when the world tries to keep us apart. Even when people disagree.

But if you decide to open yourself to new opportunities, I will let you go, with the hope of meeting you in a time when the universe wants us to be together and when the people can no longer complain.
Know that I will choose you. I will wait again. Patiently. Lovingly. I will wait for you.

I will choose you

I am going to love you with all my heart

I will be faithful to you and promise to keep in mind and consider you in every decision that I will make.

I will remind myself that I am not alone; I have you and we are a team.

I remember what you said to me last April very clearly even though I was unsure of your intentions, I dive head first and put complete trust in you.

You said to me, “there is no more you and me. Only US”.
I wanted to believe whatever you wanted me to believe and I am still putting my life and my heart in your hands. Please take care of it.

Like how I will take care of this.

I will never get tired of loving you.

I will never ask for anything except for your loyalty, trust, and commitment.

I want this to work even if the odds and the universe is against us, promise me that we will make it work.
Love is more than just a feeling of euphoria and temporary happiness. It’s hardwork and requires a lot of patience.

I will try to understand you, when you can’t understand yourself.

I will love you when you think you cannot love yourself.

I will hold us both.
I just want you to constantly assure me that you have my back no matter what. And you’ll choose me when everything goes crazy.

Because I know in a heart beat I will choose you.
I will always choose you.

I love you

Sticky notes

How do we prove someone we love them? How can we ensure that the love is reciprocated?
Love is only love when it is acknowledged as such. 
No matter how much you give when the receiving end has closed doors it isn’t love. 
We often put people we lovein pedestals in high hopes that they will love us back the same way we regard them. More often, this does not happen. People we placed higher than us tend to look down on us making us their puppets. This isn’t love.
How do we balance this out? How do we love a person? We love them by loving ourselves first and nobody ever does that except for egotistical assholes who love themselves too much and forget about their partners. This isn’t love. 
Love is supposed to make you work hard to be a better person for yourself not for your partner. Love is supposed to make you happy not make you responsible for your partner’s happiness. 

Series of Unanswered Letters: Of lights and tunnels

yes, I send him emails long text messages mix from clickbait articles from TC and a little from my black notebook. He never answers. I don’t think he ever bothers to read. But I send him these things because its important for me to get this out.


Dear Schatz,

It is you who I always want to be with. You still hold the top spot as my favorite person. You will always be one of the main characters on my book. You are the leading man of my movie. I always find your company amazing. You make me happy in ways that no one else does.

You are my home.

It is your hands that I always want to hold. I love how the gaps between my fingers perfectly fit yours. You make things better, without even knowing it.

It is you who make me look forward in every single day. When I wake up in the morning, you are the first person who crosses my mind. At night, you are always my last thought. You belong in my dreams, you are on the blueprint.

It is your lips that I always want to kiss. It is your touch that I always want to feel. Yes, you make me feel beautiful. The way you caress me is undeniably perfect. You turn my darkest days into the brightest ones. You bring thrills on my boring routines. You are always ready to swim onto my deep waters – to comprehend my thoughts, to understand me.

You are the adventure that I always want to take. You are the photograph that I always want to capture. Your goofy moves or cranky jokes make my day. You are giving your best shot for us, for our relationship.

It is you who quiets my panic attacks. You calm the storms inside me.

It is you who I want to share the rest of my life with.

I always knew that our souls met for a reason. We always come back to each other’s arms. You are, and will always be, my forever person.

Our destiny maybe a little fucked up but we still make ways to end up together.

You made me appreciate life more. You are the future I am longing to see. I can’t wait to open my eyes while I’m lying next to you. No matter how twisted our ropes will be, it is you who I want to get tangled with. I believe in the power of us. I believe in the strength within love.

This is my way of saying how grateful I am to have you.

You are more than your shortcomings.

You are my person and you will always be the one.

The roads get bumpy and rocky but I know that you will be by my side until the end. Struggles will come, problems will be faced. And yet, it is you who will always have my heart.


I just want you to know that where ever this road leads us, I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to call you mine. Don’t let me hold you down. Never let me stop you from anything you think is best for yourself.

But I want you to know I have you as a part in every single plan I have in my life here on til the end. It is up to you to decide if you want to still be a part of it.

I love you.

I can never say it enough. I will say it everyday even if you don’t want to hear it. I love you and I hope our love will let us grow into the person that we are supposed to be.

I am forever thankful for the universe for bringing you in my life.

Loving you until the end,