moj otrove

Words are poison.

Words are the cure.

Words are empty promises and hopes of joy.

We always tell the people what we want to hear but we never tell them how we really feel. I guess it’s how we cope up with the reality. Masking the truth with little white lies we tell ourselves, which then ends up as our reality.

One of my favorite quotes from C.P. “this only looks like love.” Yes, it looks like it. It feels like it. But how do we know if it really is love? We fall into this idea that when you feel this connection, soul, lust, intellect, humor –it is indeed, love.

Love they say lasts forever. It is eternal. It is unwavering. Love is. We can love a person and never show it, never be with that person, never get to tell them. But we do. We still do. Unreciprocated.

We can be with someone for 5, 10, 15 years and fall out. We can meet someone and decide that you want to make it last more than it should be. Tell me, which one is love?

Is it when you put the other person’s happiness than your own? Is it when you include that person in all of your plans? Is it when you decide that “this is it”? But what if “that person” decided not to be “your person” anymore? You ask yourself, did he/she really loved me?

The problem with us, yes, us females is that society have imposed this biased thing about love and how to love and if we move against it, would definitely raise some brows. And I think it’s double-standard and just messed up. Love is not supposed to hard. It’s the most natural feeling.

But I think you can never fully love someone without falling in love with yourself first. Self-love is more important for me to be honest. It doesn’t mean you care more about yourself but it is having a better understanding abour yourself. Of what you want, need and how you want your life to pan out. It’s not being selfish but it’s giving away only what you think you can give.

At this point in my life, I am still struggling to love myself. I am working on it and I think I can love someone better if I love myself more.


There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light

Suddenly it creeps up to you and slowly digs out all the memories you try to put inside a locked chest under all the superficial happiness.

It stings like ice. It burns like all the open-mouth kisses you shared. It hurts you like its the first time you got your heart broken.
It pains to know that the one you once saw an end with is now a stranger and a clear memory without a face.
You know the familiar feeling but you can’t feel it as before. Maybe closure isn’t closure until you decide to take a step forward and not a leap.
Maybe you didn’t really move. You’re stuck and you don’t know which way to go because you’ve always had someone to lead the way.
And it’s not fair to you or anybody else unless you forgive and accept it. That things are never going to be the same and it will never go as you have planned.
God gives you the people you need at a certain point in your life. No matter how much you try to make them stay, if their purpose is finished HE will take them away.
And hope that in another lifetime you’ll meet again with a different end and purpose.

Airports and Terminals

For all the days you will be gone. For all the days kept away from us. We will enjoy in the future with twice the happiness.

We have been through this once and we barely made it. Now its your turn to hold it together and keep it true.
I am holding on to you as long as you won’t let me go. I am holding on to your promise that we will make all this possible. Even when the world tries to keep us apart. Even when people disagree.

But if you decide to open yourself to new opportunities, I will let you go, with the hope of meeting you in a time when the universe wants us to be together and when the people can no longer complain.
Know that I will choose you. I will wait again. Patiently. Lovingly. I will wait for you.

I will choose you

I am going to love you with all my heart

I will be faithful to you and promise to keep in mind and consider you in every decision that I will make.

I will remind myself that I am not alone; I have you and we are a team.

I remember what you said to me last April very clearly even though I was unsure of your intentions, I dive head first and put complete trust in you.

You said to me, “there is no more you and me. Only US”.
I wanted to believe whatever you wanted me to believe and I am still putting my life and my heart in your hands. Please take care of it.

Like how I will take care of this.

I will never get tired of loving you.

I will never ask for anything except for your loyalty, trust, and commitment.

I want this to work even if the odds and the universe is against us, promise me that we will make it work.
Love is more than just a feeling of euphoria and temporary happiness. It’s hardwork and requires a lot of patience.

I will try to understand you, when you can’t understand yourself.

I will love you when you think you cannot love yourself.

I will hold us both.
I just want you to constantly assure me that you have my back no matter what. And you’ll choose me when everything goes crazy.

Because I know in a heart beat I will choose you.
I will always choose you.

I love you

Series of unanswered letters: to whatever situation we might be in the future

An open letter to the man I will end up with

Hello. You probably found this letter after a long time and most likely dated a few years ago by now. And if you are reading this, its possible that I secretly lead you to find this.

If you are reading this after we had a fight, know that I am not angry at you but at what you did. Your mistakes don’t define you or our relationship. My mistakes don’t mean I am not happy with you. It just means we have to keep on working together as a team. I hope you are still up to team with me. And I am sorry if I hurt you and I forgive you if you hurt me. We might lose track but know that our love is stronger than whatever we are facing as long as we are together.

If you are reading this because you found this by cleaning up your things, congratulations! You have found my 2 am letter since I cannot sleep and I need to write (you know that by now) so I can calm down. Don’t tell me you found this but I want you to write me back a small note (cuz you probably have never written to me) and I will appreciate it. But seriously, just give me a hint that you have found this gem. This letter saying how happy, lucky, and proud I am because I have you. And I love you no matter what happens. You are still the one for me even if the whole world says otherwise. And thank you for cleaning your stuff and checking what’s trash and what’s not because that’s what real men do. They keep the best with them. Hahaha!

If you are reading this because I handed it to you, I think we have something serious to talk about. I don’t know what it is (yet) but I don’t want this to end. Whatever we’ll discuss when you bring this up later (which you will do because I’m such a pussy when it comes to a confrontation), remember that I love you and we can get through this.

If you are reading this, you are the guy I ended up with. The guy I prayed for and promised to love forever unconditionally. You are the guy I will surrender my love and my life to because I trust that you will keep it safe and happy. I ended up with you because we share a love so strong that nothing not even the universe can seperate us. Thank you for being the guy I ended up with. It might not be easy and perfect but at least it is real.

Sticky notes

How do we prove someone we love them? How can we ensure that the love is reciprocated?
Love is only love when it is acknowledged as such. 
No matter how much you give when the receiving end has closed doors it isn’t love. 
We often put people we lovein pedestals in high hopes that they will love us back the same way we regard them. More often, this does not happen. People we placed higher than us tend to look down on us making us their puppets. This isn’t love.
How do we balance this out? How do we love a person? We love them by loving ourselves first and nobody ever does that except for egotistical assholes who love themselves too much and forget about their partners. This isn’t love. 
Love is supposed to make you work hard to be a better person for yourself not for your partner. Love is supposed to make you happy not make you responsible for your partner’s happiness. 

Series of Unanswered Letters: Of lights and tunnels

yes, I send him emails long text messages mix from clickbait articles from TC and a little from my black notebook. He never answers. I don’t think he ever bothers to read. But I send him these things because its important for me to get this out.


Dear Schatz,

It is you who I always want to be with. You still hold the top spot as my favorite person. You will always be one of the main characters on my book. You are the leading man of my movie. I always find your company amazing. You make me happy in ways that no one else does.

You are my home.

It is your hands that I always want to hold. I love how the gaps between my fingers perfectly fit yours. You make things better, without even knowing it.

It is you who make me look forward in every single day. When I wake up in the morning, you are the first person who crosses my mind. At night, you are always my last thought. You belong in my dreams, you are on the blueprint.

It is your lips that I always want to kiss. It is your touch that I always want to feel. Yes, you make me feel beautiful. The way you caress me is undeniably perfect. You turn my darkest days into the brightest ones. You bring thrills on my boring routines. You are always ready to swim onto my deep waters – to comprehend my thoughts, to understand me.

You are the adventure that I always want to take. You are the photograph that I always want to capture. Your goofy moves or cranky jokes make my day. You are giving your best shot for us, for our relationship.

It is you who quiets my panic attacks. You calm the storms inside me.

It is you who I want to share the rest of my life with.

I always knew that our souls met for a reason. We always come back to each other’s arms. You are, and will always be, my forever person.

Our destiny maybe a little fucked up but we still make ways to end up together.

You made me appreciate life more. You are the future I am longing to see. I can’t wait to open my eyes while I’m lying next to you. No matter how twisted our ropes will be, it is you who I want to get tangled with. I believe in the power of us. I believe in the strength within love.

This is my way of saying how grateful I am to have you.

You are more than your shortcomings.

You are my person and you will always be the one.

The roads get bumpy and rocky but I know that you will be by my side until the end. Struggles will come, problems will be faced. And yet, it is you who will always have my heart.


I just want you to know that where ever this road leads us, I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to call you mine. Don’t let me hold you down. Never let me stop you from anything you think is best for yourself.

But I want you to know I have you as a part in every single plan I have in my life here on til the end. It is up to you to decide if you want to still be a part of it.

I love you.

I can never say it enough. I will say it everyday even if you don’t want to hear it. I love you and I hope our love will let us grow into the person that we are supposed to be.

I am forever thankful for the universe for bringing you in my life.

Loving you until the end,