The no make up look

I am a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite.

What face do you wear when you look at yourself in the mirror?

As humans, we hurt ourselves over and over to know the feeling of regret and rejection. We know the odds, yet we still take the risks. We tell ourselves lies so we cover the ugly and painful truth.  Lies in which we drown ourselves into believing it as part of our fragmented realities. Our own world where we deny oursleves of facts that we hate to hear but already know. We lie to make oursleves feel and look better. We lie to avoid hurt others of the mistakes we did. 

I am a cheat. Dishonest, disloyal and untrustworthy. We learn to be a cheat at a very young age. You never cheated on a pop quiz? Copied somebody’s homework or copy pasted shit from Wikipedia in your term paper? We all are cheats. It just gets worse when you get older because you cheat not on paper but with people. With feelings, with love. And it’s messed up when you get yourself stuck in a position you can’t get out off anymore so you just stick to it and hope for the best. We cheat to get ahead, to avoid disappointments, for self- validation and selfishness. We are all cheats. If you say you hold high morals, you either you fall in the liars or to my next point, a fckng hypocrite. 

People are flawed and I don’t believe in perfect humans raised with impeccable morals and etiquette. I’m not nit-picking or scrutinizing people but when you experience growing up with kids who get chosen as teacher’s “model students” you see their flaws. You see how fake their smiles are and how hard they try to please other people even if they hate them. They say nice things to each other but stab each other when they turn their back. I know this seems off topic or perhaps a bad example but at an early age you see how people function socially and emotionally. It’s crazy. 

Admittedly, I am a big one. I say a lot of things about certain topics (preach sister, preach) but I cannot even follow my own advise. Even worse, I do the exact opposite and much more. 

Sometimes I hate myself for being all of these. I hate being honest about the lies I did but I know how it feels to be lied to so i try to be honest most of the time and its actually freeing. I admit that being a cheat is really unforgivable and it’s the result of all the lies and believe me, its the devil’s son and will just fck your entire life over. Guilt will kill you though so might as well enjoy while you’re at it. Don’t even try to wash your hands clean with more lies to cover the shit you have. Own your mistakes, hurting people on purpose is totally wrong but hurting them unknowingly is bullshit. You know what you’re doing, you know it’s wrong but hku still did it anyway so just live up to it. Stop with the lies, and the rest will follow. Maybe you will not feel guilty at all because maybe a part of you wanted to lie, cheat, and pretend that you are the victim of this story. 

Things took a different turn, surprisingly. 

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life. 

Honestly, I don’t even know what I feel right now. If it’s real or it’s just all in my head. But I sure hope that it’s real alright. I want to feel anything, not nothing. Because I’m afraid that this nothing is being empty. I never want to feel empty. Never again. 

I am so afraid of a lot of things. About the future. but i always tell myself, everything will be alright. Things will work out just fine. Then, I realize I’m not getting any younger. Maybe I’m having that quarter life crisis they have all been talking about. Maybe a little late, but wtf all the things to be late why this? 

I had my life planned out, just like before when i was seven. I wanted the best for myself because i deserve it. At least i think i do. But as i get older, i just kept on settling. I settled too long that i missed on a lot. It’s not regret by the way. I learned a lot whilst i settled. It was comfortable, it was perfect, it was all i have ever hoped for. 
But i changed– i wanted more. i keep on telling myself that I shouldn’t forget. But i forgot how to feel all of it. I’ll admit that i did a lot of stupid things when i was younger and i felt sorry for myself. I knew i was wrong to start, to not stop, to keep on trying. But it has never been the same since. 

I was loved for a very long time that i never gave it a second look. Now, you found me all messed up. I’m afraid you’ll be bored to death with me and find someone more interesting. More age appropriate with the same humor, energy, luxury. I try to look past the thousand differences we have. I can see you trying. I can feel you trying. I can see us wanting this so bad. And it makes me happy knowing that i have someone like you. 

I know i shouldn’t compare and expect to get the same level of commitment from someone like you. A stranger i risked my whole future for. Because i believe, you will make it much better and complete. I’m giving my all to this new start and new life shit im forcing to believe because right now this is all i have. You are all i have. Its you i wanted. Its you i chose to walk on the same path from now. I know that its uncertain but i still choose to bet everything on you. 

All i ask from you is to be considerate. Right now, I’m not the person you fell in love with. I don’t know what i want. I don’t have plans anymore. I’m back to being fickle-minded. I’ll try to be whole again. Not for you but for myself. So i can love you better. So you can love me more than you could ever love someone. While i do this, please hold my hand and my heart as i figure it out again. Please don’t let go. 

You thought I was whole and that you needed me. But believe me. I need you more than you need me now. I know i am being unfair to you from the beginning. I know that you didn’t ask for this and neither do I. 

But its here, it’s happening and it’s goddamn good to be loving you even with all these uncertainties. 

Living with squiggly lines as an instruction

Do you ever talk to yourself? They say people who are intelligent talk to themselves to solve issues or maybe it’s just thinking out loud. I used to do that to motivate and drive myself to push harder than I can.

Today, I did it again. I heard my voice inside my head. It’s saying that it’s time to give up and let it go. First, let me make it clear that it’s not my 7-year investment that we are talking about before you jump into conclusions. I am talking about the non-visa issuing, delayed salary, slave-driving job that I have.

To cut it short I think I lost the motivation to work given the circumstances. I just wanted to quit right there and then. I refuse to understand every word that’s given to me. I didn’t want to function as I normally did. I did not go here to be treated like this.. but what should I expect, right?

I am a Filipina, brown skin,a bit short, tipping the scales. I dont have an accent, blue eyes and blonde hair. Filipinos here are used as cleaners in general and every face is the same to them. So what would you expect from these people riding their high horses? I remember one client doubting my capacity to write content for their pathetic website (these guys spelled sponsors as spongers). I felt bad for a couple of days but just said to myself that they think like that because they can’t think properly due to the lack of oxygen up their asses.

The problem with kabayans is that we are too submissive or polite. We accept everything that is thrown to us even if we feel like crap. We go by the rules too afraid to even make a mistake thinking about the families we left at home. This behavoir gives these people all the authority to scare the shit out of our brown faces.

I am almost half a year away from home and I’m learning to adapt here in this strange country. I am now comfortable wearing pants and crappy fashion because there’s no one to impress. I’m fine with speaking deconstructed english if it will make things easier for me. But I still working on breathing in the scent of unbathed men and whatever smell they have. Especially those with orange beards and traditional clothing (no, I will not mention their race here.lol) I am still processing to understand how things work here without any process or white paper. I just can’t deal with it right now.

Here is a blurred photo of the Souq. Enjoy life under rules you never fully understand!

I Miss You

I have believed that after 27 years I am now strong and wise enough. I travelled alone overseas to seek a better life. To make money for my future family and typical cliche overseas worker story.

I wanted to prove that the time and distance from you will not make me miss you. I told myself that I will not cry and keep my head focused on work and nothing else. Sometimes I feel like it’s killing us– killing me. I keep on making myself believe that if I work hard enough and get used to a new and strange place it would make me forget about how my life back at home used to be.

Now, all I do is look at old photos of us together. We should have taken more pictures for the past seven years. Nevertheless, we spent those days in the comfort of each other. I still remember the time we laughed so hard about nothing until we cried and other people in the room started to laugh, too. And also the times when we went to fancy restaurants for just-because dates and to the neighborhood ihaw-ihaw because we wanted isaw.

I hate to admit to myself that I miss you. I hate that I’m being vulnerable in a place where I have nowhere to run and friends to say ‘I told you so’. I hate that I’m not able to contain missing you. I am extremely, terribly, achingly missing you.

That voice recording– I love you too, Mahal.

My heart felt like it was going to shatter in a million pieces as my lips quivered trying to stop my tears from falling. I miss you and I almost wanted to cry. Thinking about it now still makes my heart feel like it’s being held tightly and crushed.

I know that you are also having a hard time being alone there. You must feel like I left you without any notice or you’re not part of my plans. I want you to know that you are and every day that I am not able to see you and hear your voice I die a little inside. You have no idea how much I hate myself for leaving you and everything I know and love behind. But I know your love for me will make you understand and that same love will make me stronger everyday. I can’t see or feel you but I know that my heart is with you.

I miss you. I miss you very much it hurts. There are no better words. It feels like you are dying a slow death and there’s no one to save and help you. It feels like drowning and you see that ray of light as you sink to the bottom.

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In the coldness of this winter night, I try to console the sadness of my heart longing for you.

Welcome reality 2017

I was always the one cooking for Christmas and New Year back home.

This is the first Holiday that I did not peel any potatoes or boiled pasta. I just lied in bed, stood up and ate dinner–It was okay. The most uneventful Christmas and NYE so far. The first Holiday I am not home.

This is my first entry for 2017 and I must not make this sappy and lonely but there is no other way to put it. I guess the only upside is my Mom is no longer celebrating alone. We are both alone.

I told her, “This is the first time I’m not tired of cooking (NYE dinner).” She replied, “but are you happy?”

It struck me. Am I happy, really?

Maybe I was because I don’t smell like food after I have just bathed. On the contrary, I could just sleep all day and wake up January 2.

I am not with my family. I  am not with him. I do not feel at home. I feel incomplete.

Most days, I’d rather stay up all night so I wake up late the next day and avoid long hours of being awake with nobody to talk to. I’d rather watch nonsense videos than allow myself to think. It’s like I’m living my life on hold.

As the year splits, I tell myself better days are coming. Not with hope but with a strong assurance that better days are indeed coming. I am claiming it that this 2017 I will get what I came here for.

This emptiness is a fleeting feeling. I will not let this overcome me. Bye felicia.

Nevertheless, I am thankful for being where I am now. The opportunity that I have and the hard work. It will pay off.

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I will drown myself with work and prove to myself that I can make an impact, whatever that means. I will work my ass off to meet my goals sooner than I have planned.

I will work to improve myself just in time before I meet my goals. I need to discipline myself. Good thing there is no temptations here. Just lots of sweets. Lord, help me.

Lastly and most importantly, I will strenghten my relationship with the Lord. He gives me the will to drive myself each day to suck it up and live my life. I will try to be a better person.

No this is not a NYResolution. This is a reminder for myself.

PS. I am turning 28 in about 9 months. I must be doing something with my life by now.