I am a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite.
As humans, we hurt ourselves over and over to know the feeling of regret and rejection. We know the odds, yet we still take the risks. We tell ourselves lies so we cover the ugly and painful truth. Lies in which we drown ourselves into believing it as part of our fragmented realities. Our own world where we deny oursleves of facts that we hate to hear but already know. We lie to make oursleves feel and look better. We lie to avoid hurt others of the mistakes we did.
I am a cheat. Dishonest, disloyal and untrustworthy. We learn to be a cheat at a very young age. You never cheated on a pop quiz? Copied somebody’s homework or copy pasted shit from Wikipedia in your term paper? We all are cheats. It just gets worse when you get older because you cheat not on paper but with people. With feelings, with love. And it’s messed up when you get yourself stuck in a position you can’t get out off anymore so you just stick to it and hope for the best. We cheat to get ahead, to avoid disappointments, for self- validation and selfishness. We are all cheats. If you say you hold high morals, you either you fall in the liars or to my next point, a fckng hypocrite.
People are flawed and I don’t believe in perfect humans raised with impeccable morals and etiquette. I’m not nit-picking or scrutinizing people but when you experience growing up with kids who get chosen as teacher’s “model students” you see their flaws. You see how fake their smiles are and how hard they try to please other people even if they hate them. They say nice things to each other but stab each other when they turn their back. I know this seems off topic or perhaps a bad example but at an early age you see how people function socially and emotionally. It’s crazy.
Admittedly, I am a big one. I say a lot of things about certain topics (preach sister, preach) but I cannot even follow my own advise. Even worse, I do the exact opposite and much more.
Sometimes I hate myself for being all of these. I hate being honest about the lies I did but I know how it feels to be lied to so i try to be honest most of the time and its actually freeing. I admit that being a cheat is really unforgivable and it’s the result of all the lies and believe me, its the devil’s son and will just fck your entire life over. Guilt will kill you though so might as well enjoy while you’re at it. Don’t even try to wash your hands clean with more lies to cover the shit you have. Own your mistakes, hurting people on purpose is totally wrong but hurting them unknowingly is bullshit. You know what you’re doing, you know it’s wrong but hku still did it anyway so just live up to it. Stop with the lies, and the rest will follow. Maybe you will not feel guilty at all because maybe a part of you wanted to lie, cheat, and pretend that you are the victim of this story.