Letter two

Dear Schatz, 

Hello my love. 

You are probably dreaming about something that doesn’t make sense right now. I can imagine you sleeping soundly and peacefully at the same time. I remember the few times I saw you sleeping and each time it was different. I saw how you became more comfortable and vulnerable around me. I remember the first time I fell asleep in your arms while holding your hand. I wish we can have more of that. 

Each day that we spend together makes me love you even more. Of course we have bad messy days when I get you mad. But I’m sure we can overcome that. The more we get to know each other as we open up makes this relationship stronger in such a very short time. I know sometimes I look too far ahead in future and I completely forget that we just started and that you have a lot of years ahead of you. I keep on forgetting that. I’m not trying to give you pressure. And for sure you can handle that professionally. 

I just want you to know that I am sorry for all the drama I bring in your life. I know you did not want any of this but there’s no stopping now. I want you to know that I am feeling very lucky to have you when I felt like I had no one. Just being able to see your face and hold your hand for a few moments is enough for me to know that you are looking after me. Thank you for bringing happiness in my life. Thank you for patiently listening to my complaints and insecurity. 

I promise to be better. For us.

I still barely know you that’s why I’m anxious all the time. Afraid to lose you because I couldn’t be enough. I’ll try my best to give you more than you deserve. From the beginning I told you everything there is to know. I never put up walls for you to break or play mind games with you. I was clear about what I wanted and expect from all of this. 

I’m not rushing but from the time that we first met until now, I think we are doing well. I hope that all this is real and goes a long way. We’ll continue to build trust and communication. I believe honesty and complete submission of oneself is very important in every relationship so we’ll work on that together. 

Anyway this is too long and you will probably will just scroll past this. But i love you and i don’t have any explanations as to why really. We have different values I hope that we can work out our differences so we can make this work more than anything. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes too high at this stage. I’ll try to contain all these emotions and just see it as each day passes. 
I will love you more every day 

I will promise to be better every day 

I will be your Schatz when you need me

I will try to be more patient and understanding to my capabilities 

I will be the best friend you would want to be talking about everything without hesitation and keep all your hopes, fears and dreams safely. 

I love you and I hope you know that. 

Much love, 

Schatzchen 

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On Red Flags and a boy you choose to give love

We have all been in a situation where you were so sure from the beginning that it’s not going to end up all in chaos if you follow a plan and have back up plans as well. 

Spontaneity is what I lacked and first time I try it after seven years, I ruined everything. Oh no, is this regret? He’s waiting for me to say it. So he can get rid of me. Is the effort he’s showing worth all this letting go and moving on? To be fair, I have to thank him for making me realize that I should be moving on from all that but at the same time he made me realize what I lost and might not be able to find again. 

Yes, he does what you expect from a boyfriend. He does these little things that will satisfy having someone to talk to and waste time. He’s young and I have no idea why I’m with him. He said it himself a hundred times. Maybe I should listen to him. It’s a major red flag really and I’m just ignoring his way of saying, “I’m not really up for some serious shit.” Yes, maybe that’s it. He is stringing me long enough just to make sure he has someone to bang. 

Red flag number two, he called me psycho and crazy. For asking too much questions and wanting to know more about him. Crazy because I assumed that he mistakenly sent me a message that is totally out of context and that I maybe jealous over nothing.

Red flag number three, he does not want to ever talk about ex girlfriends and when he does, it doesn’t sound real. 

Red flag number four, he constantly lies or hides certain things and says its not important.

Red flag number five, he says he is not in it for the sex and that he will marry you and go off to some first world country of his choice but never really telling you why he loves you. 

Girl, seriously, how many red flags do you need? 

You said to yourself you wanted to get married and have babies. Problem is you also told him that and technically implanted a bomb for yourself and now he is using that to keep you hanging. That is some bullshit you’re trying to swallow whole. You better come to your senses and stop this shit you have with this beautiful boy. 

He is merely a phase you wanted to try. A boy. Nothing but a boy who is good with words and beautiful to look at. A boy willing to hold your hand and make you feel beautiful because he has nothing better to do. A boy you can easily let go without a second thought but you choose not to because you’re stupid. You’re older but you let this boy make you throw away a really solid relationship and future. He made you irrational and forget about a man who was loving you since day one. This boy you can break but you choose to give love. He is merely a boy trying to pretend to be a man for a woman like you trying to figure out her life. 

A boy willing to make you feel young and alive again

Give it until you can get him out ofyour system or vice versa. Don’t push to make it public or anything permanent. Don’t give him husband privileges if he is still sending you uncertainties about how he is. Don’t tell him what you think abd want, it’s not communicating, it’s knowing how to keep you under his spell and wrap you around his fingers. 

Don’t listen to butterflies and rainbows, you have come a long way just to get hurt by a boy who couldn’t even bring you to a proper date. A boy who keeps you a secret and yet holds your hand and looks at you like he has never seen someone so beautiful. Perhaps those lingering stares are saying, “this woman is so stupid.” 

Because after writing all of this, I couldn’t agree more to what he has been thinking the entire time you were giving him the love he does not deserve. 

Letter one

Kaliwali emma. Im the one who’s here with you and giving u the love. I’ll enjoy it while i have u all for myself. Even if u still talk with her. It’s your conscience not mine if you are feeding me lies. Haha
We both have people in our lives that have been there for very long, its just up to you if you are willing to keep them aside and make room for me, as you said, your love. Set these people aside so you ensure that my insecurities are at bay. Be transparent with me so i know you’re keeping your promise of not telling lies and keeping secrets. 
I’m trying my best to start fresh with this relationship we started out of nowhere. Without even knowing our interests and shit like how a standard relationship should start. I’m sorry if I’m being a textbook bitch about this. You know i want things perfect but messy at the same time. Its contradicting but you get my point. 
 i gave up everything for you at least give me the peace of mind that you will do the same for me. But i won’t ask you to do stupid things like that. I just want complete honesty at least that one i gave to you more than anyone. Even more than to myself. 
I want you to know that i will fight for you even if i know its stupid and i will lose because you’re everything i have now. And i hope it’s the same for you too. I will try to give you all the understanding i have left in me to appreciate your flaws and work on improving our love. I know that the future that i have planned for myself is gone like smoke now, and having to start it with you seems very scary. Kaliwali let’s handle each day and eventually we’ll get there. Inshallah. 
I love you, Schatz. 

Don’t ever forget that. 

We all have that “The One That Got Away” 

Is it wrong to be completely honest about how you feel? 

People ask me how do I keep my seven years relationship going. I could think of a hundred “How to keep the fire burning in LTR” from reading too much articles, advice columns, and watching too many rom-coms. 

I was one of the lucky girls you read about here. Finding the right guy, the perfect guy, the stay single until you’ve met your person. I met him. We have been together for seven years and it was unbelievably amazing. 

All my friends would look up to our strong as ever relationship. He was my best friend, my rock, everything you’ve ever read about the perfect boyfriend. Not to mention that he is tall, plays the guitar (yes, he is in a band), he’s an engineer and my drinking buddy. He likes to read, and has strong opinions on his beliefs. He cooks for me and brings me chocolates just because. 

I know it’s too good to be true, but he is real. The articles you read is not all made up. Guys like him exist and girls like me ruin them. 

We went to the same highschool, he was two years my senior and he belonged to the popular kids group because he was the school’s MVP for basketball. He never knew me, he had his life ahead of him. I never really liked guys who played basketball anyway. I never paid attention to him until I had the chance to meet him in, cliché a social media platform. It was new and you just add everyone you knew. We had common interests and would constantly like the same posts about books, coffee, and Chuck Palahniuk. It was then where it all started. 

College Graduation came, he was there for me. Like I was there for his march as well. Every family gathering and holidays we were there for each other. My friends and his friends birthdays. We basically shared our lives in the span of the relationship. It was perfect. It was work. It was everything you want to grow as a person and he really taught me what it felt like to be loved and how to love. 

I was living with him for about two years until I got the opportunity to work overseas. I wanted to get out as soon as I can but at the back of my head, “please ask me to marry you so I don’t have to go”. He never asked me, he didn’t stop me from leaving. He loved me too much and believed we can work out the five-hour time difference. But I already knew before I boarded the plane, before the farewell parties and saying our goodbyes that it will all go spiraling down. All the plans, memories, and promises. 

I never cried when I said goodbye to him, it actually felt like I was running away or being freed from something. I don’t know but I felt good as I buckled my seatbelt and waited for the plane to take off. 

I tried so many times to make myself believe that I am still in love with him. I realized that love and being in love is two different things. I love him, and it will never change. See, the difference is being in love is this euphoria of endless possibilities and fairy tale forevers. Loving someone is putting effort to make that person be better, happy, satisfied– loving someone is hardwork. It’s never easy. And I think to make relationships last, you need to be in love to be motivated to love that same person over and over again. 

You should have that spark from the first time you kissed or that connection youu had when you first saw him. Don’t let that be clouded by years of settling because you are afraid that you will not find someone better than him. Don’t let it be gone from years of staying because he begged you to stay and be the person you want him to be. Don’t let it be shadowed by promises that you don’t know when will happen. Don’t be complacent, don’t let it be a routine to say I love you, good morning, and good night. 

Don’t be like me. Say it if the feeling of being in love is gone. Say it before you find that fuzzy feeling and hear yourself laugh the way you did before seven years ago because of another guy. Be honest and stop pretending that things will be the same because it will never be the same no matter how you try to ignore it. You cannot fake being in love and falling in love. 

I am stupid, crazy, not thinking straight for letting this guy go. I know it’s totally illogical to choose this stranger over someone who basically knows every bit of my soul. But I guess he never did know every part of me, because if he did we wouldn’t have to let this all go to waste. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame myself either. 

I know you will say I’m such a hypocrite for saying I don’t blame myself. But how could I blame myself if I have never felt this happy in the longest time. I felt free. It was very liberating to do something new with my life. I know these choices will make interesting drunk grandma stories in the future but it will all be worth it.

He will always be the one that got away. 

The no make up look

I am a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite.

What face do you wear when you look at yourself in the mirror?

As humans, we hurt ourselves over and over to know the feeling of regret and rejection. We know the odds, yet we still take the risks. We tell ourselves lies so we cover the ugly and painful truth.  Lies in which we drown ourselves into believing it as part of our fragmented realities. Our own world where we deny oursleves of facts that we hate to hear but already know. We lie to make oursleves feel and look better. We lie to avoid hurt others of the mistakes we did. 

I am a cheat. Dishonest, disloyal and untrustworthy. We learn to be a cheat at a very young age. You never cheated on a pop quiz? Copied somebody’s homework or copy pasted shit from Wikipedia in your term paper? We all are cheats. It just gets worse when you get older because you cheat not on paper but with people. With feelings, with love. And it’s messed up when you get yourself stuck in a position you can’t get out off anymore so you just stick to it and hope for the best. We cheat to get ahead, to avoid disappointments, for self- validation and selfishness. We are all cheats. If you say you hold high morals, you either you fall in the liars or to my next point, a fckng hypocrite. 

People are flawed and I don’t believe in perfect humans raised with impeccable morals and etiquette. I’m not nit-picking or scrutinizing people but when you experience growing up with kids who get chosen as teacher’s “model students” you see their flaws. You see how fake their smiles are and how hard they try to please other people even if they hate them. They say nice things to each other but stab each other when they turn their back. I know this seems off topic or perhaps a bad example but at an early age you see how people function socially and emotionally. It’s crazy. 

Admittedly, I am a big one. I say a lot of things about certain topics (preach sister, preach) but I cannot even follow my own advise. Even worse, I do the exact opposite and much more. 

Sometimes I hate myself for being all of these. I hate being honest about the lies I did but I know how it feels to be lied to so i try to be honest most of the time and its actually freeing. I admit that being a cheat is really unforgivable and it’s the result of all the lies and believe me, its the devil’s son and will just fck your entire life over. Guilt will kill you though so might as well enjoy while you’re at it. Don’t even try to wash your hands clean with more lies to cover the shit you have. Own your mistakes, hurting people on purpose is totally wrong but hurting them unknowingly is bullshit. You know what you’re doing, you know it’s wrong but hku still did it anyway so just live up to it. Stop with the lies, and the rest will follow. Maybe you will not feel guilty at all because maybe a part of you wanted to lie, cheat, and pretend that you are the victim of this story. 

Things took a different turn, surprisingly. 

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life. 

Honestly, I don’t even know what I feel right now. If it’s real or it’s just all in my head. But I sure hope that it’s real alright. I want to feel anything, not nothing. Because I’m afraid that this nothing is being empty. I never want to feel empty. Never again. 

I am so afraid of a lot of things. About the future. but i always tell myself, everything will be alright. Things will work out just fine. Then, I realize I’m not getting any younger. Maybe I’m having that quarter life crisis they have all been talking about. Maybe a little late, but wtf all the things to be late why this? 

I had my life planned out, just like before when i was seven. I wanted the best for myself because i deserve it. At least i think i do. But as i get older, i just kept on settling. I settled too long that i missed on a lot. It’s not regret by the way. I learned a lot whilst i settled. It was comfortable, it was perfect, it was all i have ever hoped for. 
But i changed– i wanted more. i keep on telling myself that I shouldn’t forget. But i forgot how to feel all of it. I’ll admit that i did a lot of stupid things when i was younger and i felt sorry for myself. I knew i was wrong to start, to not stop, to keep on trying. But it has never been the same since. 

I was loved for a very long time that i never gave it a second look. Now, you found me all messed up. I’m afraid you’ll be bored to death with me and find someone more interesting. More age appropriate with the same humor, energy, luxury. I try to look past the thousand differences we have. I can see you trying. I can feel you trying. I can see us wanting this so bad. And it makes me happy knowing that i have someone like you. 

I know i shouldn’t compare and expect to get the same level of commitment from someone like you. A stranger i risked my whole future for. Because i believe, you will make it much better and complete. I’m giving my all to this new start and new life shit im forcing to believe because right now this is all i have. You are all i have. Its you i wanted. Its you i chose to walk on the same path from now. I know that its uncertain but i still choose to bet everything on you. 

All i ask from you is to be considerate. Right now, I’m not the person you fell in love with. I don’t know what i want. I don’t have plans anymore. I’m back to being fickle-minded. I’ll try to be whole again. Not for you but for myself. So i can love you better. So you can love me more than you could ever love someone. While i do this, please hold my hand and my heart as i figure it out again. Please don’t let go. 

You thought I was whole and that you needed me. But believe me. I need you more than you need me now. I know i am being unfair to you from the beginning. I know that you didn’t ask for this and neither do I. 

But its here, it’s happening and it’s goddamn good to be loving you even with all these uncertainties. 

Living with squiggly lines as an instruction

Do you ever talk to yourself? They say people who are intelligent talk to themselves to solve issues or maybe it’s just thinking out loud. I used to do that to motivate and drive myself to push harder than I can.

Today, I did it again. I heard my voice inside my head. It’s saying that it’s time to give up and let it go. First, let me make it clear that it’s not my 7-year investment that we are talking about before you jump into conclusions. I am talking about the non-visa issuing, delayed salary, slave-driving job that I have.

To cut it short I think I lost the motivation to work given the circumstances. I just wanted to quit right there and then. I refuse to understand every word that’s given to me. I didn’t want to function as I normally did. I did not go here to be treated like this.. but what should I expect, right?

I am a Filipina, brown skin,a bit short, tipping the scales. I dont have an accent, blue eyes and blonde hair. Filipinos here are used as cleaners in general and every face is the same to them. So what would you expect from these people riding their high horses? I remember one client doubting my capacity to write content for their pathetic website (these guys spelled sponsors as spongers). I felt bad for a couple of days but just said to myself that they think like that because they can’t think properly due to the lack of oxygen up their asses.

The problem with kabayans is that we are too submissive or polite. We accept everything that is thrown to us even if we feel like crap. We go by the rules too afraid to even make a mistake thinking about the families we left at home. This behavoir gives these people all the authority to scare the shit out of our brown faces.

I am almost half a year away from home and I’m learning to adapt here in this strange country. I am now comfortable wearing pants and crappy fashion because there’s no one to impress. I’m fine with speaking deconstructed english if it will make things easier for me. But I still working on breathing in the scent of unbathed men and whatever smell they have. Especially those with orange beards and traditional clothing (no, I will not mention their race here.lol) I am still processing to understand how things work here without any process or white paper. I just can’t deal with it right now.

Here is a blurred photo of the Souq. Enjoy life under rules you never fully understand!

I Miss You

I have believed that after 27 years I am now strong and wise enough. I travelled alone overseas to seek a better life. To make money for my future family and typical cliche overseas worker story.

I wanted to prove that the time and distance from you will not make me miss you. I told myself that I will not cry and keep my head focused on work and nothing else. Sometimes I feel like it’s killing us– killing me. I keep on making myself believe that if I work hard enough and get used to a new and strange place it would make me forget about how my life back at home used to be.

Now, all I do is look at old photos of us together. We should have taken more pictures for the past seven years. Nevertheless, we spent those days in the comfort of each other. I still remember the time we laughed so hard about nothing until we cried and other people in the room started to laugh, too. And also the times when we went to fancy restaurants for just-because dates and to the neighborhood ihaw-ihaw because we wanted isaw.

I hate to admit to myself that I miss you. I hate that I’m being vulnerable in a place where I have nowhere to run and friends to say ‘I told you so’. I hate that I’m not able to contain missing you. I am extremely, terribly, achingly missing you.

That voice recording– I love you too, Mahal.

My heart felt like it was going to shatter in a million pieces as my lips quivered trying to stop my tears from falling. I miss you and I almost wanted to cry. Thinking about it now still makes my heart feel like it’s being held tightly and crushed.

I know that you are also having a hard time being alone there. You must feel like I left you without any notice or you’re not part of my plans. I want you to know that you are and every day that I am not able to see you and hear your voice I die a little inside. You have no idea how much I hate myself for leaving you and everything I know and love behind. But I know your love for me will make you understand and that same love will make me stronger everyday. I can’t see or feel you but I know that my heart is with you.

I miss you. I miss you very much it hurts. There are no better words. It feels like you are dying a slow death and there’s no one to save and help you. It feels like drowning and you see that ray of light as you sink to the bottom.

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In the coldness of this winter night, I try to console the sadness of my heart longing for you.

Welcome reality 2017

I was always the one cooking for Christmas and New Year back home.

This is the first Holiday that I did not peel any potatoes or boiled pasta. I just lied in bed, stood up and ate dinner–It was okay. The most uneventful Christmas and NYE so far. The first Holiday I am not home.

This is my first entry for 2017 and I must not make this sappy and lonely but there is no other way to put it. I guess the only upside is my Mom is no longer celebrating alone. We are both alone.

I told her, “This is the first time I’m not tired of cooking (NYE dinner).” She replied, “but are you happy?”

It struck me. Am I happy, really?

Maybe I was because I don’t smell like food after I have just bathed. On the contrary, I could just sleep all day and wake up January 2.

I am not with my family. I  am not with him. I do not feel at home. I feel incomplete.

Most days, I’d rather stay up all night so I wake up late the next day and avoid long hours of being awake with nobody to talk to. I’d rather watch nonsense videos than allow myself to think. It’s like I’m living my life on hold.

As the year splits, I tell myself better days are coming. Not with hope but with a strong assurance that better days are indeed coming. I am claiming it that this 2017 I will get what I came here for.

This emptiness is a fleeting feeling. I will not let this overcome me. Bye felicia.

Nevertheless, I am thankful for being where I am now. The opportunity that I have and the hard work. It will pay off.

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I will drown myself with work and prove to myself that I can make an impact, whatever that means. I will work my ass off to meet my goals sooner than I have planned.

I will work to improve myself just in time before I meet my goals. I need to discipline myself. Good thing there is no temptations here. Just lots of sweets. Lord, help me.

Lastly and most importantly, I will strenghten my relationship with the Lord. He gives me the will to drive myself each day to suck it up and live my life. I will try to be a better person.

No this is not a NYResolution. This is a reminder for myself.

PS. I am turning 28 in about 9 months. I must be doing something with my life by now.