On Nights Like This, I Think of You

When I finish a 14-hour workday and you were waiting for me til past your bed time just to spend an hour with me over dinner.

When it’s cold and we are both freezing but neither of us wants to go home cuz the warmth of each other’s presence is enough.

Or when it’s too hot outside so we stay too long inside a coffee shop til its cool enough to walk almost half an hour. Because walking with you while holding your hand is more worth it than taking a cab.

When I am alone and I can only hear the tick tock and cars outside. I can feel things and wonder if you are feeling them too.

When I see something funny and think about tagging you but you never response. It stings a bit.

When I am tired and you hold my back and ask “How are you?”, I wanted to say kill me but then I see how happy you are that you finally saw me, the exhaustion disappears.

When I lay in bed thinking about going on vacations, living somewhere where I don’t have to punch in and out, I see you next to me.

When my eyes are about to close, I see your face. I feel grateful for everything- for being alive, for being able to wake up in the morning to see you at the end of the day. For being able to sleep knowing in the morning I will still have you.


A little goes a long way

I never liked flowers as gifts. I always thought it’s for old and sick people. It reminded me of hospitals and hospice.

I never asked for it from anyone that’s why maybe I didn’t get it.
He kept on asking me if I wanted one and he would always get a blunt no.

We were out yesterday for dinner and I was excited about today so I asked him what’s the plan for Valentine’s.

“Schatz, we don’t celebrate it.”
These four words again. So I immediately erased any thoughts for dinner or even something different to happen today. I even planned on working late. I didn’t even text him.

So as usual after work we met. But today he was all dressed up with a single rose. “Happy Valentine’s Schatz.” the cutest ever face of him to date.

I know he doesn’t celebrate many things as me but each one of them he celebrated with me or something like that. I know from here on Christmases and birthdays will never be the same but I appreciate the effort he is giving and the support he showed because these celebrations are important for me.

Anyway, since I erased the thought of Valentine’s today I didn’t wear nice clothes and no plans at all. It’s everyday like Valentine’s for us. Nothing special just being together is enough. No fancy gifts or candle lit dinners. Just a hand to hold and a future to build and look forward to.

Again I am surprised by how much effort he puts into this. I am eternally grateful to have him and not only because he loves me but he makes me better as a person.

Yes, dear. 

I cannot love you in to loving me back.

I cannot teach you life if you haven’t lived it yet.

I cannot force myself to stop loving you in ways I never have thought I can

I cannot show you enough how wonderful of person you are despite the fact that you are bad for me

I cannot simply say the things you mean to me in a three page text message and I do not care if its pathetic

I cannot lie to you

I cannot lie to myself that I’m in deep shit because I fell in love you

I cannot imagine life without you

I cannot promise you that I am not expecting anything

I cannot assure you that one day I will love you less even if you give me no reason to love you

But I can love you the way I want to. Even if you don’t want me to

Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?

A few days just before you left, I asked you “Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?” and what’s funny is that we both had no idea you’d be leaving so soon.

I had been thinking about going on a break a few months back but I was so addicted to your fix I couldn’t get myself over it. I was desperately needing attention and validation that I had to lower my expectations and standards to a point that I don’t even know why I’m accepting shit like that. So, when I finally had the guts to tell and ask you this, you looked shocked, baffled with disbelief that me, the woman so blindly in love with you is really thinking of disappearing in your life.

I was even more surprised on how you reacted after seeing the disbelief on your face. You looked so afraid. Maybe because you needed me for validation and self gratification, too. I don’t know really. As usual, you didn’t say more than “don’t say that” hugged me and hid your face. I don’t know what that extra long hug means but it was kind of satisfying to feel like you didn’t want to lose me. But that’s just me.

After a few days of sporadic texts, we got the awful news. You’ll be leaving so soon that we both didn’t expect this to happen within such a short notice. It’s like one problem after the other. Just when things are starting to settle and be serious. I think it’s not just destiny for us to be together. But again, you stopped me with “don’t say that”.

I’m grateful for the universe for giving us this brief moment of eupohoria and confusion. All the things in between the months that we were able to share but mostly meeting you and completely turning my life upside down and inside out. I’m thankful for you being able to help me get out and discover that I am capable of loving unconditionally just when I thought that love is just a habit we get comfortable with.

I never told you that I hate you. Because I do and I hate you so much. I hate you because you make me hate myself for loving you.

I hate that you don’t show how much you value me but I hate myself even more because maybe you don’t really do.

I hate you because you don’t let me in to your life but I hate myself more for trying and making myself too vulnerable for you.

I hate you for leaving me like this, when I wanted to stop because I know you won’t be coming back but you keep on stringing me along. I hated you more when you answered YES when I asked should I wait for you and cried along with me. I don’t get you. I hate you for making me confused. For telling me you love me and then disappearing and not putting effort.

I should stop hating you and myself. You’re gone and maybe you’ll keep your word and come back. Maybe you won’t like the lying prick you are. I should start focusing on myself more and stop waiting.

I have been waiting all these years for some shit that didn’t take into fruition because of my impatience. Maybe. I fucked up almost a decade of my existence and because of you I fvked it up more. More sass in fvkng up one more wrong decision after the other.

I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made but sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up waiting for you that one time when I felt really sleepy. Maybe none of these would’ve happened. Maybe I could’ve saved all of us from heartache. Maybe its just us not you. You never complain anyway.

Before I forget, in between all this hate and what ifs, I miss you. I miss us. I miss what could be us.

It’s stupid but there’s this voice inside me desperately wanting you to come back. Come back to me. I miss you and I love you despite the distance life has brought us and the distance I’m trying to create even more so between us.

To the boy wearing glasses

If you ask me how I fell in love with you

I will not be able to put it in words

If you ask me when is the exact moment I knew it was you

It was when I saw the chaos

It was when I looked at you and I saw that I was about to lose you

It was when I could not see myself living without you

It was when I was holding you but you were slowly slipping away
I know it does not make sense

Completely illogical, crazy and stupid.

But I found happiness in between all the silence and stories that we shared in that brief period that we spent together
I came in your life like a storm and I hope you did not drown in me

I wanted to be everything you could ever hope and wish for

I know I will never be perfect but I’m trying to give you all the love I can give

I am giving you the love that I didn’t even know I had in me
Sometimes you tell me that I don’t deserve you

Is it because it’s your subtle way of saying that you are not in this for the long run?

Is it because you think that I am never going to be the person you see yourself with?

Is it all of the million things going inside my head that I am too afraid to tell you?
Everyday I wake up to looking forward to see you and love you even more than I did than the last time we said good night

Everyday I try to be closer in getting in your walls

Everyday I try to create a memory for us to share when we could no longer take long walks and stay up all night
I am grateful for the universe to let our paths cross.

I will always keep you in my heart. You saved me in an unexpected way.

Just before 6 am

When you feel the need to write but the words simply won’t come out– helpless. But you still write hoping that the right words will roll out and spill without stumbling over each other. 

Why do I feel I need to write at 5 in the morning? My chest is pounding so fast I can barely breathe. I feel a tidal wave of emotions but nothing is coming out. Watching sad love stories with happy endings and heart warming videos are the only ways to make me cry. I’ve been building up a dam for my tears and frustrations. I think it’s time to let it all go. 

I tell myself all these– Why do you keep on pushing yourself to people who don’t really care if you starve to death because you don’t feel like you’re good enough? How do you come up with endless topics for someone who is clearly dozing off when you are busy yapping stories about your life that he doesn’t give a shit about? When do you stop trying so hard to make it work? When will you realize that all of your efforts are going to waste? The confusion, the uncertanties and mediocrity that you decided to put yourself into. I think it’s time to walk away and this time keep your word. 

I want to know how to unlove a person you barely know. I want to know how to take back all the words and dreams I shared with him. I want to know how do I keep myself from loving this person too much. I want to know if what he is saying is not just empty words to keep me as his past time and plaything that he pulls out whenever he feels the need to jerk off. I want to know how to understand how this whole thing works. I want to know if there’s someone else giving him what he wants while I’m asleep having dreams about him chasing other women. I think it’s time I tell myself the answers to questions I already know the answer to and this time don’t turn the blind eye. 

I told myself a thousand times. He told me a million times – stop. And each time it happens it only draws me closer to him. He isn’t ready for a relationship, at least with you. He isn’t ready to give you the commitment that you deserve. He can promise you things, wonderful things that will make you believe in yourself again but he won’t be around to make it happen. He will be there when he needs to be entertained but he won’t be there to wipe your anxieties away. He will tell you a lot of things but he will not find the words to console your sadness. He can make you feel loved but he cannot love you the way you are loving him. I think it’s time to accept that he is just a boy but love him anyway because you have all the love to give despite all this chaos. 

Write everything down until your hands hurt, until you can’t feel anything more. Write all these down and hope that he stumbles upon it and realize how good he is at doing his game. Write until there is clarity in what you are feeling. Write until the morning sun comes up and you can forget all about it and continue being in love with the person who does not want the love you are giving. 


Its ok Schatz what I said about you going back to her. I don’t really expect you to do everything you told me but will be glad if u did. 

I’m already old enough to know if I’m being lied to or not that’s why I don’t make drama and just ask you about it. You should not forget that I’ve been almost in all kinds of relationships before you even get to have your first girlfriend,  maybe. 

I know that we have a different interpretation on how relationships work and our culture is totally different. I’m ok with that. But sometimes it hurts me knowing that I’m just here to help you and teach you. You might not be in the long run with me and you’re just saying things that I want to hear. I love you and I appreciate that. I’m here as long as you need me. But when I feel like you are ready, I’m willing to let you go to find someone you feel like you truly deserve.