Is it wrong to be completely honest about how you feel?
People ask me how do I keep my seven years relationship going. I could think of a hundred “How to keep the fire burning in LTR” from reading too much articles, advice columns, and watching too many rom-coms.
I was one of the lucky girls you read about here. Finding the right guy, the perfect guy, the stay single until you’ve met your person. I met him. We have been together for seven years and it was unbelievably amazing.
All my friends would look up to our strong as ever relationship. He was my best friend, my rock, everything you’ve ever read about the perfect boyfriend. Not to mention that he is tall, plays the guitar (yes, he is in a band), he’s an engineer and my drinking buddy. He likes to read, and has strong opinions on his beliefs. He cooks for me and brings me chocolates just because.
I know it’s too good to be true, but he is real. The articles you read is not all made up. Guys like him exist and girls like me ruin them.
We went to the same highschool, he was two years my senior and he belonged to the popular kids group because he was the school’s MVP for basketball. He never knew me, he had his life ahead of him. I never really liked guys who played basketball anyway. I never paid attention to him until I had the chance to meet him in, cliché a social media platform. It was new and you just add everyone you knew. We had common interests and would constantly like the same posts about books, coffee, and Chuck Palahniuk. It was then where it all started.
College Graduation came, he was there for me. Like I was there for his march as well. Every family gathering and holidays we were there for each other. My friends and his friends birthdays. We basically shared our lives in the span of the relationship. It was perfect. It was work. It was everything you want to grow as a person and he really taught me what it felt like to be loved and how to love.
I was living with him for about two years until I got the opportunity to work overseas. I wanted to get out as soon as I can but at the back of my head, “please ask me to marry you so I don’t have to go”. He never asked me, he didn’t stop me from leaving. He loved me too much and believed we can work out the five-hour time difference. But I already knew before I boarded the plane, before the farewell parties and saying our goodbyes that it will all go spiraling down. All the plans, memories, and promises.
I never cried when I said goodbye to him, it actually felt like I was running away or being freed from something. I don’t know but I felt good as I buckled my seatbelt and waited for the plane to take off.
I tried so many times to make myself believe that I am still in love with him. I realized that love and being in love is two different things. I love him, and it will never change. See, the difference is being in love is this euphoria of endless possibilities and fairy tale forevers. Loving someone is putting effort to make that person be better, happy, satisfied– loving someone is hardwork. It’s never easy. And I think to make relationships last, you need to be in love to be motivated to love that same person over and over again.
You should have that spark from the first time you kissed or that connection youu had when you first saw him. Don’t let that be clouded by years of settling because you are afraid that you will not find someone better than him. Don’t let it be gone from years of staying because he begged you to stay and be the person you want him to be. Don’t let it be shadowed by promises that you don’t know when will happen. Don’t be complacent, don’t let it be a routine to say I love you, good morning, and good night.
Don’t be like me. Say it if the feeling of being in love is gone. Say it before you find that fuzzy feeling and hear yourself laugh the way you did before seven years ago because of another guy. Be honest and stop pretending that things will be the same because it will never be the same no matter how you try to ignore it. You cannot fake being in love and falling in love.
I am stupid, crazy, not thinking straight for letting this guy go. I know it’s totally illogical to choose this stranger over someone who basically knows every bit of my soul. But I guess he never did know every part of me, because if he did we wouldn’t have to let this all go to waste. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame myself either.
I know you will say I’m such a hypocrite for saying I don’t blame myself. But how could I blame myself if I have never felt this happy in the longest time. I felt free. It was very liberating to do something new with my life. I know these choices will make interesting drunk grandma stories in the future but it will all be worth it.
He will always be the one that got away.