Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?

A few days just before you left, I asked you “Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?” and what’s funny is that we both had no idea you’d be leaving so soon. 

I had been thinking about going on a break a few months back but I was so addicted to your fix I couldn’t get myself over it. I was desperately needing attention and validation that I had to lower my expectations and standards to a point that I don’t even know why I’m accepting shit like that. So, when I finally had the guts to tell and ask you this, you looked shocked, baffled with disbelief that me, the woman so blindly in love with you is really thinking of disappearing in your life. 

I was even more surprised on how you reacted after seeing the disbelief on your face. You looked so afraid. Maybe because you needed me for validation and self gratification, too. I don’t know really. As usual, you didn’t say more than “don’t say that” hugged me and hid your face. I don’t know what that extra long hug means but it was kind of satisfying to feel like you didn’t want to lose me. But that’s just me. 

After a few days of sporadic texts, we got the awful news. You’ll be leaving so soon that we both didn’t expect this to happen within such a short notice. It’s like one problem after the other. Just when things are starting to settle and be serious. I think it’s not just destiny for us to be together. But again, you stopped me with “don’t say that”.

I’m grateful for the universe for giving us this brief moment of eupohoria and confusion. All the things in between the months that we were able to share but mostly meeting you and completely turning my life upside down and inside out. I’m thankful for you being able to help me get out and discover that I am capable of loving unconditionally just when I thought that love is just a habit we get comfortable with. 

I never told you that I hate you. Because I do and I hate you so much. I hate you because you make me hate myself for loving you.

I hate that you don’t show how much you value me but I hate myself even more because maybe you don’t really do.

I hate you because you don’t let me in to your life but I hate myself more for trying and making myself too vulnerable for you.

I hate you for leaving me like this, when I wanted to stop because I know you won’t be coming back but you keep on stringing me along. I hated you more when you answered YES when I asked should I wait for you and cried along with me. I don’t get you. I hate you for making me confused. For telling me you love me and then disappearing and not putting effort. 

I should stop hating you and myself. You’re gone and maybe you’ll keep your word and come back. Maybe you won’t like the lying prick you are. I should start focusing on myself more and stop waiting. 

I have been waiting all these years for some shit that didn’t take into fruition because of my impatience. Maybe. I fucked up almost a decade of my existence and because of you I fvked it up more. More sass in fvkng up one more wrong decision after the other.

I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made but sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up waiting for you that one time when I felt really sleepy. Maybe none of these would’ve happened. Maybe I could’ve saved all of us from heartache. Maybe its just us not you. You never complain anyway. 

Before I forget, in between all this hate and what ifs, I miss you. I miss us. I miss what could be us. 

It’s stupid but there’s this voice inside me desperately wanting you to come back. Come back to me. I miss you and I love you despite the distance life has brought us and the distance I’m trying to create even more so between us.

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To the boy wearing glasses

If you ask me how I fell in love with you 

I will not be able to put it in words

If you ask me when is the exact moment I knew it was you

It was when I saw the chaos

It was when I looked at you and I saw that I was about to lose you

It was when I could not see myself living without you

It was when I was holding you but you were slowly slipping away
I know it does not make sense

Completely illogical, crazy and stupid. 

But I found happiness in between all the silence and stories that we shared in that brief period that we spent together 
I came in your life like a storm and I hope you did not drown in me

I wanted to be everything you could ever hope and wish for

I know I will never be perfect but I’m trying to give you all the love I can give

I am giving you the love that I didn’t even know I had in me
Sometimes you tell me that I don’t deserve you 

Is it because it’s your subtle way of saying that you are not in this for the long run? 

Is it because you think that I am never going to be the person you see yourself with? 

Is it all of the million things going inside my head that I am too afraid to tell you? 
Everyday I wake up to looking forward to see you and love you even more than I did than the last time we said good night

Everyday I try to be closer in getting in your walls

Everyday I try to create a memory for us to share when we could no longer take long walks and stay up all night 
I am grateful for the universe to let our paths cross. 

I will always keep you in my heart. You saved me in an unexpected way. 

Just before 6 am

When you feel the need to write but the words simply won’t come out– helpless. But you still write hoping that the right words will roll out and spill without stumbling over each other. 

Why do I feel I need to write at 5 in the morning? My chest is pounding so fast I can barely breathe. I feel a tidal wave of emotions but nothing is coming out. Watching sad love stories with happy endings and heart warming videos are the only ways to make me cry. I’ve been building up a dam for my tears and frustrations. I think it’s time to let it all go. 

I tell myself all these– Why do you keep on pushing yourself to people who don’t really care if you starve to death because you don’t feel like you’re good enough? How do you come up with endless topics for someone who is clearly dozing off when you are busy yapping stories about your life that he doesn’t give a shit about? When do you stop trying so hard to make it work? When will you realize that all of your efforts are going to waste? The confusion, the uncertanties and mediocrity that you decided to put yourself into. I think it’s time to walk away and this time keep your word. 

I want to know how to unlove a person you barely know. I want to know how to take back all the words and dreams I shared with him. I want to know how do I keep myself from loving this person too much. I want to know if what he is saying is not just empty words to keep me as his past time and plaything that he pulls out whenever he feels the need to jerk off. I want to know how to understand how this whole thing works. I want to know if there’s someone else giving him what he wants while I’m asleep having dreams about him chasing other women. I think it’s time I tell myself the answers to questions I already know the answer to and this time don’t turn the blind eye. 

I told myself a thousand times. He told me a million times – stop. And each time it happens it only draws me closer to him. He isn’t ready for a relationship, at least with you. He isn’t ready to give you the commitment that you deserve. He can promise you things, wonderful things that will make you believe in yourself again but he won’t be around to make it happen. He will be there when he needs to be entertained but he won’t be there to wipe your anxieties away. He will tell you a lot of things but he will not find the words to console your sadness. He can make you feel loved but he cannot love you the way you are loving him. I think it’s time to accept that he is just a boy but love him anyway because you have all the love to give despite all this chaos. 

Write everything down until your hands hurt, until you can’t feel anything more. Write all these down and hope that he stumbles upon it and realize how good he is at doing his game. Write until there is clarity in what you are feeling. Write until the morning sun comes up and you can forget all about it and continue being in love with the person who does not want the love you are giving. 

Reminders

Its ok Schatz what I said about you going back to her. I don’t really expect you to do everything you told me but will be glad if u did. 

I’m already old enough to know if I’m being lied to or not that’s why I don’t make drama and just ask you about it. You should not forget that I’ve been almost in all kinds of relationships before you even get to have your first girlfriend,  maybe. 

I know that we have a different interpretation on how relationships work and our culture is totally different. I’m ok with that. But sometimes it hurts me knowing that I’m just here to help you and teach you. You might not be in the long run with me and you’re just saying things that I want to hear. I love you and I appreciate that. I’m here as long as you need me. But when I feel like you are ready, I’m willing to let you go to find someone you feel like you truly deserve. 

Letter two

Dear Schatz, 

Hello my love. 

You are probably dreaming about something that doesn’t make sense right now. I can imagine you sleeping soundly and peacefully at the same time. I remember the few times I saw you sleeping and each time it was different. I saw how you became more comfortable and vulnerable around me. I remember the first time I fell asleep in your arms while holding your hand. I wish we can have more of that. 

Each day that we spend together makes me love you even more. Of course we have bad messy days when I get you mad. But I’m sure we can overcome that. The more we get to know each other as we open up makes this relationship stronger in such a very short time. I know sometimes I look too far ahead in future and I completely forget that we just started and that you have a lot of years ahead of you. I keep on forgetting that. I’m not trying to give you pressure. And for sure you can handle that professionally. 

I just want you to know that I am sorry for all the drama I bring in your life. I know you did not want any of this but there’s no stopping now. I want you to know that I am feeling very lucky to have you when I felt like I had no one. Just being able to see your face and hold your hand for a few moments is enough for me to know that you are looking after me. Thank you for bringing happiness in my life. Thank you for patiently listening to my complaints and insecurity. 

I promise to be better. For us.

I still barely know you that’s why I’m anxious all the time. Afraid to lose you because I couldn’t be enough. I’ll try my best to give you more than you deserve. From the beginning I told you everything there is to know. I never put up walls for you to break or play mind games with you. I was clear about what I wanted and expect from all of this. 

I’m not rushing but from the time that we first met until now, I think we are doing well. I hope that all this is real and goes a long way. We’ll continue to build trust and communication. I believe honesty and complete submission of oneself is very important in every relationship so we’ll work on that together. 

Anyway this is too long and you will probably will just scroll past this. But i love you and i don’t have any explanations as to why really. We have different values I hope that we can work out our differences so we can make this work more than anything. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes too high at this stage. I’ll try to contain all these emotions and just see it as each day passes. 
I will love you more every day 

I will promise to be better every day 

I will be your Schatz when you need me

I will try to be more patient and understanding to my capabilities 

I will be the best friend you would want to be talking about everything without hesitation and keep all your hopes, fears and dreams safely. 

I love you and I hope you know that. 

Much love, 

Schatzchen 

Letter one

Kaliwali emma. Im the one who’s here with you and giving u the love. I’ll enjoy it while i have u all for myself. Even if u still talk with her. It’s your conscience not mine if you are feeding me lies. Haha
We both have people in our lives that have been there for very long, its just up to you if you are willing to keep them aside and make room for me, as you said, your love. Set these people aside so you ensure that my insecurities are at bay. Be transparent with me so i know you’re keeping your promise of not telling lies and keeping secrets. 
I’m trying my best to start fresh with this relationship we started out of nowhere. Without even knowing our interests and shit like how a standard relationship should start. I’m sorry if I’m being a textbook bitch about this. You know i want things perfect but messy at the same time. Its contradicting but you get my point. 
 i gave up everything for you at least give me the peace of mind that you will do the same for me. But i won’t ask you to do stupid things like that. I just want complete honesty at least that one i gave to you more than anyone. Even more than to myself. 
I want you to know that i will fight for you even if i know its stupid and i will lose because you’re everything i have now. And i hope it’s the same for you too. I will try to give you all the understanding i have left in me to appreciate your flaws and work on improving our love. I know that the future that i have planned for myself is gone like smoke now, and having to start it with you seems very scary. Kaliwali let’s handle each day and eventually we’ll get there. Inshallah. 
I love you, Schatz. 

Don’t ever forget that. 

Things took a different turn, surprisingly. 

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life. 

Honestly, I don’t even know what I feel right now. If it’s real or it’s just all in my head. But I sure hope that it’s real alright. I want to feel anything, not nothing. Because I’m afraid that this nothing is being empty. I never want to feel empty. Never again. 

I am so afraid of a lot of things. About the future. but i always tell myself, everything will be alright. Things will work out just fine. Then, I realize I’m not getting any younger. Maybe I’m having that quarter life crisis they have all been talking about. Maybe a little late, but wtf all the things to be late why this? 

I had my life planned out, just like before when i was seven. I wanted the best for myself because i deserve it. At least i think i do. But as i get older, i just kept on settling. I settled too long that i missed on a lot. It’s not regret by the way. I learned a lot whilst i settled. It was comfortable, it was perfect, it was all i have ever hoped for. 
But i changed– i wanted more. i keep on telling myself that I shouldn’t forget. But i forgot how to feel all of it. I’ll admit that i did a lot of stupid things when i was younger and i felt sorry for myself. I knew i was wrong to start, to not stop, to keep on trying. But it has never been the same since. 

I was loved for a very long time that i never gave it a second look. Now, you found me all messed up. I’m afraid you’ll be bored to death with me and find someone more interesting. More age appropriate with the same humor, energy, luxury. I try to look past the thousand differences we have. I can see you trying. I can feel you trying. I can see us wanting this so bad. And it makes me happy knowing that i have someone like you. 

I know i shouldn’t compare and expect to get the same level of commitment from someone like you. A stranger i risked my whole future for. Because i believe, you will make it much better and complete. I’m giving my all to this new start and new life shit im forcing to believe because right now this is all i have. You are all i have. Its you i wanted. Its you i chose to walk on the same path from now. I know that its uncertain but i still choose to bet everything on you. 

All i ask from you is to be considerate. Right now, I’m not the person you fell in love with. I don’t know what i want. I don’t have plans anymore. I’m back to being fickle-minded. I’ll try to be whole again. Not for you but for myself. So i can love you better. So you can love me more than you could ever love someone. While i do this, please hold my hand and my heart as i figure it out again. Please don’t let go. 

You thought I was whole and that you needed me. But believe me. I need you more than you need me now. I know i am being unfair to you from the beginning. I know that you didn’t ask for this and neither do I. 

But its here, it’s happening and it’s goddamn good to be loving you even with all these uncertainties. 

I Miss You

I have believed that after 27 years I am now strong and wise enough. I travelled alone overseas to seek a better life. To make money for my future family and typical cliche overseas worker story.

I wanted to prove that the time and distance from you will not make me miss you. I told myself that I will not cry and keep my head focused on work and nothing else. Sometimes I feel like it’s killing us– killing me. I keep on making myself believe that if I work hard enough and get used to a new and strange place it would make me forget about how my life back at home used to be.

Now, all I do is look at old photos of us together. We should have taken more pictures for the past seven years. Nevertheless, we spent those days in the comfort of each other. I still remember the time we laughed so hard about nothing until we cried and other people in the room started to laugh, too. And also the times when we went to fancy restaurants for just-because dates and to the neighborhood ihaw-ihaw because we wanted isaw.

I hate to admit to myself that I miss you. I hate that I’m being vulnerable in a place where I have nowhere to run and friends to say ‘I told you so’. I hate that I’m not able to contain missing you. I am extremely, terribly, achingly missing you.

That voice recording– I love you too, Mahal.

My heart felt like it was going to shatter in a million pieces as my lips quivered trying to stop my tears from falling. I miss you and I almost wanted to cry. Thinking about it now still makes my heart feel like it’s being held tightly and crushed.

I know that you are also having a hard time being alone there. You must feel like I left you without any notice or you’re not part of my plans. I want you to know that you are and every day that I am not able to see you and hear your voice I die a little inside. You have no idea how much I hate myself for leaving you and everything I know and love behind. But I know your love for me will make you understand and that same love will make me stronger everyday. I can’t see or feel you but I know that my heart is with you.

I miss you. I miss you very much it hurts. There are no better words. It feels like you are dying a slow death and there’s no one to save and help you. It feels like drowning and you see that ray of light as you sink to the bottom.

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In the coldness of this winter night, I try to console the sadness of my heart longing for you.