Series of Unanswered Letters: Of lights and tunnels

yes, I send him emails long text messages mix from clickbait articles from TC and a little from my black notebook. He never answers. I don’t think he ever bothers to read. But I send him these things because its important for me to get this out.

—-

Dear Schatz,

It is you who I always want to be with. You still hold the top spot as my favorite person. You will always be one of the main characters on my book. You are the leading man of my movie. I always find your company amazing. You make me happy in ways that no one else does.

You are my home.

It is your hands that I always want to hold. I love how the gaps between my fingers perfectly fit yours. You make things better, without even knowing it.

It is you who make me look forward in every single day. When I wake up in the morning, you are the first person who crosses my mind. At night, you are always my last thought. You belong in my dreams, you are on the blueprint.

It is your lips that I always want to kiss. It is your touch that I always want to feel. Yes, you make me feel beautiful. The way you caress me is undeniably perfect. You turn my darkest days into the brightest ones. You bring thrills on my boring routines. You are always ready to swim onto my deep waters – to comprehend my thoughts, to understand me.

You are the adventure that I always want to take. You are the photograph that I always want to capture. Your goofy moves or cranky jokes make my day. You are giving your best shot for us, for our relationship.

It is you who quiets my panic attacks. You calm the storms inside me.

It is you who I want to share the rest of my life with.

 I always knew that our souls met for a reason. We always come back to each other’s arms. You are, and will always be, my forever person.

Our destiny maybe a little fucked up but we still make ways to end up together.

 You made me appreciate life more. You are the future I am longing to see. I can’t wait to open my eyes while I’m lying next to you. No matter how twisted our ropes will be, it is you who I want to get tangled with. I believe in the power of us. I believe in the strength within love.

This is my way of saying how grateful I am to have you.

You are more than your shortcomings.

You are my person and you will always be the one.

 The roads get bumpy and rocky but I know that you will be by my side until the end. Struggles will come, problems will be faced. And yet, it is you who will always have my heart.

—–

I just want you to know that where ever this road leads us, I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to call you mine. Don’t let me hold you down. Never let me stop you from anything you think is best for yourself.

But I want you to know I have you as a part in every single plan I have in my life here on til the end. It is up to you to decide if you want to still be a part of it.

I love you.

I can never say it enough. I will say it everyday even if you don’t want to hear it. I love you and I hope our love will let us grow into the person that we are supposed to be.

I am forever thankful for the universe for bringing you in my life.

Loving you until the end,

Schatzchen❤

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We all have that “The One That Got Away” 

Is it wrong to be completely honest about how you feel? 

People ask me how do I keep my seven years relationship going. I could think of a hundred “How to keep the fire burning in LTR” from reading too much articles, advice columns, and watching too many rom-coms. 

I was one of the lucky girls you read about here. Finding the right guy, the perfect guy, the stay single until you’ve met your person. I met him. We have been together for seven years and it was unbelievably amazing. 

All my friends would look up to our strong as ever relationship. He was my best friend, my rock, everything you’ve ever read about the perfect boyfriend. Not to mention that he is tall, plays the guitar (yes, he is in a band), he’s an engineer and my drinking buddy. He likes to read, and has strong opinions on his beliefs. He cooks for me and brings me chocolates just because. 

I know it’s too good to be true, but he is real. The articles you read is not all made up. Guys like him exist and girls like me ruin them. 

We went to the same highschool, he was two years my senior and he belonged to the popular kids group because he was the school’s MVP for basketball. He never knew me, he had his life ahead of him. I never really liked guys who played basketball anyway. I never paid attention to him until I had the chance to meet him in, cliché a social media platform. It was new and you just add everyone you knew. We had common interests and would constantly like the same posts about books, coffee, and Chuck Palahniuk. It was then where it all started. 

College Graduation came, he was there for me. Like I was there for his march as well. Every family gathering and holidays we were there for each other. My friends and his friends birthdays. We basically shared our lives in the span of the relationship. It was perfect. It was work. It was everything you want to grow as a person and he really taught me what it felt like to be loved and how to love. 

I was living with him for about two years until I got the opportunity to work overseas. I wanted to get out as soon as I can but at the back of my head, “please ask me to marry you so I don’t have to go”. He never asked me, he didn’t stop me from leaving. He loved me too much and believed we can work out the five-hour time difference. But I already knew before I boarded the plane, before the farewell parties and saying our goodbyes that it will all go spiraling down. All the plans, memories, and promises. 

I never cried when I said goodbye to him, it actually felt like I was running away or being freed from something. I don’t know but I felt good as I buckled my seatbelt and waited for the plane to take off. 

I tried so many times to make myself believe that I am still in love with him. I realized that love and being in love is two different things. I love him, and it will never change. See, the difference is being in love is this euphoria of endless possibilities and fairy tale forevers. Loving someone is putting effort to make that person be better, happy, satisfied– loving someone is hardwork. It’s never easy. And I think to make relationships last, you need to be in love to be motivated to love that same person over and over again. 

You should have that spark from the first time you kissed or that connection youu had when you first saw him. Don’t let that be clouded by years of settling because you are afraid that you will not find someone better than him. Don’t let it be gone from years of staying because he begged you to stay and be the person you want him to be. Don’t let it be shadowed by promises that you don’t know when will happen. Don’t be complacent, don’t let it be a routine to say I love you, good morning, and good night. 

Don’t be like me. Say it if the feeling of being in love is gone. Say it before you find that fuzzy feeling and hear yourself laugh the way you did before seven years ago because of another guy. Be honest and stop pretending that things will be the same because it will never be the same no matter how you try to ignore it. You cannot fake being in love and falling in love. 

I am stupid, crazy, not thinking straight for letting this guy go. I know it’s totally illogical to choose this stranger over someone who basically knows every bit of my soul. But I guess he never did know every part of me, because if he did we wouldn’t have to let this all go to waste. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame myself either. 

I know you will say I’m such a hypocrite for saying I don’t blame myself. But how could I blame myself if I have never felt this happy in the longest time. I felt free. It was very liberating to do something new with my life. I know these choices will make interesting drunk grandma stories in the future but it will all be worth it.

He will always be the one that got away. 

The no make up look

I am a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite.

What face do you wear when you look at yourself in the mirror?

As humans, we hurt ourselves over and over to know the feeling of regret and rejection. We know the odds, yet we still take the risks. We tell ourselves lies so we cover the ugly and painful truth.  Lies in which we drown ourselves into believing it as part of our fragmented realities. Our own world where we deny oursleves of facts that we hate to hear but already know. We lie to make oursleves feel and look better. We lie to avoid hurt others of the mistakes we did. 

I am a cheat. Dishonest, disloyal and untrustworthy. We learn to be a cheat at a very young age. You never cheated on a pop quiz? Copied somebody’s homework or copy pasted shit from Wikipedia in your term paper? We all are cheats. It just gets worse when you get older because you cheat not on paper but with people. With feelings, with love. And it’s messed up when you get yourself stuck in a position you can’t get out off anymore so you just stick to it and hope for the best. We cheat to get ahead, to avoid disappointments, for self- validation and selfishness. We are all cheats. If you say you hold high morals, you either you fall in the liars or to my next point, a fckng hypocrite. 

People are flawed and I don’t believe in perfect humans raised with impeccable morals and etiquette. I’m not nit-picking or scrutinizing people but when you experience growing up with kids who get chosen as teacher’s “model students” you see their flaws. You see how fake their smiles are and how hard they try to please other people even if they hate them. They say nice things to each other but stab each other when they turn their back. I know this seems off topic or perhaps a bad example but at an early age you see how people function socially and emotionally. It’s crazy. 

Admittedly, I am a big one. I say a lot of things about certain topics (preach sister, preach) but I cannot even follow my own advise. Even worse, I do the exact opposite and much more. 

Sometimes I hate myself for being all of these. I hate being honest about the lies I did but I know how it feels to be lied to so i try to be honest most of the time and its actually freeing. I admit that being a cheat is really unforgivable and it’s the result of all the lies and believe me, its the devil’s son and will just fck your entire life over. Guilt will kill you though so might as well enjoy while you’re at it. Don’t even try to wash your hands clean with more lies to cover the shit you have. Own your mistakes, hurting people on purpose is totally wrong but hurting them unknowingly is bullshit. You know what you’re doing, you know it’s wrong but hku still did it anyway so just live up to it. Stop with the lies, and the rest will follow. Maybe you will not feel guilty at all because maybe a part of you wanted to lie, cheat, and pretend that you are the victim of this story.