On Nights Like This, I Think of You

When I finish a 14-hour workday and you were waiting for me til past your bed time just to spend an hour with me over dinner.

When it’s cold and we are both freezing but neither of us wants to go home cuz the warmth of each other’s presence is enough.

Or when it’s too hot outside so we stay too long inside a coffee shop til its cool enough to walk almost half an hour. Because walking with you while holding your hand is more worth it than taking a cab.

When I am alone and I can only hear the tick tock and cars outside. I can feel things and wonder if you are feeling them too.

When I see something funny and think about tagging you but you never response. It stings a bit.

When I am tired and you hold my back and ask “How are you?”, I wanted to say kill me but then I see how happy you are that you finally saw me, the exhaustion disappears.

When I lay in bed thinking about going on vacations, living somewhere where I don’t have to punch in and out, I see you next to me.

When my eyes are about to close, I see your face. I feel grateful for everything- for being alive, for being able to wake up in the morning to see you at the end of the day. For being able to sleep knowing in the morning I will still have you.


A little goes a long way

I never liked flowers as gifts. I always thought it’s for old and sick people. It reminded me of hospitals and hospice.

I never asked for it from anyone that’s why maybe I didn’t get it.
He kept on asking me if I wanted one and he would always get a blunt no.

We were out yesterday for dinner and I was excited about today so I asked him what’s the plan for Valentine’s.

“Schatz, we don’t celebrate it.”
These four words again. So I immediately erased any thoughts for dinner or even something different to happen today. I even planned on working late. I didn’t even text him.

So as usual after work we met. But today he was all dressed up with a single rose. “Happy Valentine’s Schatz.” the cutest ever face of him to date.

I know he doesn’t celebrate many things as me but each one of them he celebrated with me or something like that. I know from here on Christmases and birthdays will never be the same but I appreciate the effort he is giving and the support he showed because these celebrations are important for me.

Anyway, since I erased the thought of Valentine’s today I didn’t wear nice clothes and no plans at all. It’s everyday like Valentine’s for us. Nothing special just being together is enough. No fancy gifts or candle lit dinners. Just a hand to hold and a future to build and look forward to.

Again I am surprised by how much effort he puts into this. I am eternally grateful to have him and not only because he loves me but he makes me better as a person.

Airports and Terminals

For all the days you will be gone. For all the days kept away from us. We will enjoy in the future with twice the happiness.

We have been through this once and we barely made it. Now its your turn to hold it together and keep it true.
I am holding on to you as long as you won’t let me go. I am holding on to your promise that we will make all this possible. Even when the world tries to keep us apart. Even when people disagree.

But if you decide to open yourself to new opportunities, I will let you go, with the hope of meeting you in a time when the universe wants us to be together and when the people can no longer complain.
Know that I will choose you. I will wait again. Patiently. Lovingly. I will wait for you.

Series of Unanswered Letters: Of lights and tunnels

yes, I send him emails long text messages mix from clickbait articles from TC and a little from my black notebook. He never answers. I don’t think he ever bothers to read. But I send him these things because its important for me to get this out.


Dear Schatz,

It is you who I always want to be with. You still hold the top spot as my favorite person. You will always be one of the main characters on my book. You are the leading man of my movie. I always find your company amazing. You make me happy in ways that no one else does.

You are my home.

It is your hands that I always want to hold. I love how the gaps between my fingers perfectly fit yours. You make things better, without even knowing it.

It is you who make me look forward in every single day. When I wake up in the morning, you are the first person who crosses my mind. At night, you are always my last thought. You belong in my dreams, you are on the blueprint.

It is your lips that I always want to kiss. It is your touch that I always want to feel. Yes, you make me feel beautiful. The way you caress me is undeniably perfect. You turn my darkest days into the brightest ones. You bring thrills on my boring routines. You are always ready to swim onto my deep waters – to comprehend my thoughts, to understand me.

You are the adventure that I always want to take. You are the photograph that I always want to capture. Your goofy moves or cranky jokes make my day. You are giving your best shot for us, for our relationship.

It is you who quiets my panic attacks. You calm the storms inside me.

It is you who I want to share the rest of my life with.

I always knew that our souls met for a reason. We always come back to each other’s arms. You are, and will always be, my forever person.

Our destiny maybe a little fucked up but we still make ways to end up together.

You made me appreciate life more. You are the future I am longing to see. I can’t wait to open my eyes while I’m lying next to you. No matter how twisted our ropes will be, it is you who I want to get tangled with. I believe in the power of us. I believe in the strength within love.

This is my way of saying how grateful I am to have you.

You are more than your shortcomings.

You are my person and you will always be the one.

The roads get bumpy and rocky but I know that you will be by my side until the end. Struggles will come, problems will be faced. And yet, it is you who will always have my heart.


I just want you to know that where ever this road leads us, I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to call you mine. Don’t let me hold you down. Never let me stop you from anything you think is best for yourself.

But I want you to know I have you as a part in every single plan I have in my life here on til the end. It is up to you to decide if you want to still be a part of it.

I love you.

I can never say it enough. I will say it everyday even if you don’t want to hear it. I love you and I hope our love will let us grow into the person that we are supposed to be.

I am forever thankful for the universe for bringing you in my life.

Loving you until the end,


Yes, dear. 

I cannot love you in to loving me back.

I cannot teach you life if you haven’t lived it yet.

I cannot force myself to stop loving you in ways I never have thought I can

I cannot show you enough how wonderful of person you are despite the fact that you are bad for me

I cannot simply say the things you mean to me in a three page text message and I do not care if its pathetic

I cannot lie to you

I cannot lie to myself that I’m in deep shit because I fell in love you

I cannot imagine life without you

I cannot promise you that I am not expecting anything

I cannot assure you that one day I will love you less even if you give me no reason to love you

But I can love you the way I want to. Even if you don’t want me to

Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?

A few days just before you left, I asked you “Are you going to miss me when I’m gone?” and what’s funny is that we both had no idea you’d be leaving so soon.

I had been thinking about going on a break a few months back but I was so addicted to your fix I couldn’t get myself over it. I was desperately needing attention and validation that I had to lower my expectations and standards to a point that I don’t even know why I’m accepting shit like that. So, when I finally had the guts to tell and ask you this, you looked shocked, baffled with disbelief that me, the woman so blindly in love with you is really thinking of disappearing in your life.

I was even more surprised on how you reacted after seeing the disbelief on your face. You looked so afraid. Maybe because you needed me for validation and self gratification, too. I don’t know really. As usual, you didn’t say more than “don’t say that” hugged me and hid your face. I don’t know what that extra long hug means but it was kind of satisfying to feel like you didn’t want to lose me. But that’s just me.

After a few days of sporadic texts, we got the awful news. You’ll be leaving so soon that we both didn’t expect this to happen within such a short notice. It’s like one problem after the other. Just when things are starting to settle and be serious. I think it’s not just destiny for us to be together. But again, you stopped me with “don’t say that”.

I’m grateful for the universe for giving us this brief moment of eupohoria and confusion. All the things in between the months that we were able to share but mostly meeting you and completely turning my life upside down and inside out. I’m thankful for you being able to help me get out and discover that I am capable of loving unconditionally just when I thought that love is just a habit we get comfortable with.

I never told you that I hate you. Because I do and I hate you so much. I hate you because you make me hate myself for loving you.

I hate that you don’t show how much you value me but I hate myself even more because maybe you don’t really do.

I hate you because you don’t let me in to your life but I hate myself more for trying and making myself too vulnerable for you.

I hate you for leaving me like this, when I wanted to stop because I know you won’t be coming back but you keep on stringing me along. I hated you more when you answered YES when I asked should I wait for you and cried along with me. I don’t get you. I hate you for making me confused. For telling me you love me and then disappearing and not putting effort.

I should stop hating you and myself. You’re gone and maybe you’ll keep your word and come back. Maybe you won’t like the lying prick you are. I should start focusing on myself more and stop waiting.

I have been waiting all these years for some shit that didn’t take into fruition because of my impatience. Maybe. I fucked up almost a decade of my existence and because of you I fvked it up more. More sass in fvkng up one more wrong decision after the other.

I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made but sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up waiting for you that one time when I felt really sleepy. Maybe none of these would’ve happened. Maybe I could’ve saved all of us from heartache. Maybe its just us not you. You never complain anyway.

Before I forget, in between all this hate and what ifs, I miss you. I miss us. I miss what could be us.

It’s stupid but there’s this voice inside me desperately wanting you to come back. Come back to me. I miss you and I love you despite the distance life has brought us and the distance I’m trying to create even more so between us.

To the boy wearing glasses

If you ask me how I fell in love with you

I will not be able to put it in words

If you ask me when is the exact moment I knew it was you

It was when I saw the chaos

It was when I looked at you and I saw that I was about to lose you

It was when I could not see myself living without you

It was when I was holding you but you were slowly slipping away
I know it does not make sense

Completely illogical, crazy and stupid.

But I found happiness in between all the silence and stories that we shared in that brief period that we spent together
I came in your life like a storm and I hope you did not drown in me

I wanted to be everything you could ever hope and wish for

I know I will never be perfect but I’m trying to give you all the love I can give

I am giving you the love that I didn’t even know I had in me
Sometimes you tell me that I don’t deserve you

Is it because it’s your subtle way of saying that you are not in this for the long run?

Is it because you think that I am never going to be the person you see yourself with?

Is it all of the million things going inside my head that I am too afraid to tell you?
Everyday I wake up to looking forward to see you and love you even more than I did than the last time we said good night

Everyday I try to be closer in getting in your walls

Everyday I try to create a memory for us to share when we could no longer take long walks and stay up all night
I am grateful for the universe to let our paths cross.

I will always keep you in my heart. You saved me in an unexpected way.